Harry Potter and the Fabulous Cowpig
by Master Dark Capn
Summary: Ginny gets a new pet, and together they go on slightly fantastic adventures. This takes place during summer vacation so there is no Hogwarts in the whole entire story. A lot of OC animals and existing character wizards.
1. Orville's Breakfast

_Author's Note: This story is for my friend, a real gem who knows not her value. I hope this story lightS a fire under your imagination and inspires you to share your own joy with the world._

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It was early in a warm summer day near the beginning of summer. Ginny Weasley felt the cool air rustling through her hair as she sat in her bedroom at the Weasley farm playing GameCube. It was then that she heard a yelling noise down a few floors to the bottom story of their house. Her dad, Arthur Weasley, was yelling all the way across the house from the backyard up to the very top, so that everybody could hear him. The neighbors could also hear him.

"Everybody! Everybody! Take a look quick outside where I am! She's given birth! It's a whole litter!"

Ginny hopped out of her office chair that she sat on whenever she played video games and landed on the floor, feet first. She scrambled out the door, making sure to open it first, and ran down the stairs to the bottom floor so she could get out of the house. She didn't trip on any of the steps on her way down. Eventually, she finally got outside from the front door of the house, and ran around back to the farm that they kept in the backyard for safe keeping. Since she was upstairs, she was the last person there.

Already there were Arthur, Molly, Fred, George, Percy, and not Bill because he didn't live at home anymore, and same with Charlie. Also already there were Harry and Hermione, who were visiting for the summer on summer holiday while they were busy being away from Hogwarts, which was closed for the summer. Hagrid wasn't there though.

"It's a summer vacation miracle!" replied Hermione, who was truly entranced by the fresh young litter who had just been born. "How do they do it?"

"I'll tell you when you're older, sweetheart," Molly replied back to Hermione.

It was a litter of cowpigs. Cowpigs are a special kind of magical animal that's half-cow, half-pig, and all-delicious. They get raised up in the magical world by cowpig farmers everywhere throughout England and the UK and even some other places. What makes them amazing is that they can produce beef and pork, steak and bacon, ham and hamburger all from the same animal. This was a fresh new batch of cowpigs that were going to be raised and grown and fattened and raised some more until they were big and fat and ugly and then they would be tossed into the magic-meat machine which would slaughter them for all the different meats that a cowpig could become. It truly was a summer vacation miracle.

Until uh-oh. Fred looked at the smallest one and said, "Bloody blimey, this one's a right runt."

"Right you are, Fred," continued George, "It's so small that it will grow up into bacon bits instead of regular bacon."

Molly was not happy about this. Her boys were always trying to find ways to ruin her salads with meat even though the whole point was that every other day they ate meatless dinners to be healthier. She had no other choice but to say the thing that she then decided to say.

"Runts are trouble. We'd better kill it now before it can grow into a threat."

The next thing that happened next was that Ginny decided it was her duty to finally speak up, so she finally spoke up.

"Nope! Nope nope nope! You're not going to kill it now. It's going to be my pet and my best friend and I'm going to love him and raise him and hug him and squeeze him until he grows old and dies from old age of natural causes and NOT BEING FOR BREAKFAST."

Arthur, ever supportive of his wife no matter how stupid her healthy food ideas were, interjected, because he didn't understand what his wife's ploy was, so he interjected and said, "Shut up you stupid idiots! If your mum says we're going to kill it, we're going to kill it. He can even be breakfast today, but since he's young and a runt there will only be a little bit of bacon bits and no beef yet so only one person can eat him, and Percy can do the honors since he's a prefect at school."

But Molly realized her mistake and immediately changed her mind; she didn't approve of eating meat and especially at this young age the cow-pig could not be full strips of bacon, so it would definitely be used to ruin a salad. So she interjected about changing her mind by saying, "I've changed my mind! Ginny, what a marvelous idea! He can be your pet and you can raise him and feed him and take care of him. But this means you have to be responsible for him and protect him and make sure he's fed and take care of him."

"Yes, mum, I will! I promise! He's my best friend forever and I love him!"

"Okeydoke then, Ginny," said Percy. "As Griffindor house prefect, I obviously know the most about raising animals, so you have to do what I say, and that means since it's breakfast time go get a bottle and feed him milk because he's still a runt of the litter."

The family went back inside for breakfast time, and Ginny looked around the table. The whole family was having their traditional Saturday breakfast of bacon cheeseburgers. These were wizard bacon cheeseburgers though, so all the bacon and hamburger meat came from cowpigs instead of cows and pigs individually. Ginny looked around the table still and had a look of shock and horror on her face and she said to the cowpig, "Don't you worry, you little shnookum, I won't let this happen to you," and she held him in her left arm and held the bottle full of baby cowpig formula in her left hand with the bottle pointed at its mouth while her right hand was holding her own bacon cheeseburger with extra bacon and two patties.

Then Fred scribbled something on a piece of paper and folded it into a paper airplane and used his magic to aim it at Ginny and it hit her in the eye. She unfolded it and looked at it and it said, "What are you going to name it? P.S. Sorry we aren't talking but mum will yell at us if we talk with our mouths full."

George had seen Fred writing the paper airplane note and knew what it said so he suggested out loud, "yff shfld nmm it Grffge!" Molly pointed her wand at George for talking with his mouth full and used a spell that made him have to do extra chores as punishment for talking with his mouth full. But Ginny understood what he was saying anyway.

"I'm not going to name it George. I already have a brother named George, George, and it would get confusing. I shall name him Orville."


	2. Orville

Now that he was a pet part of the family, everyone except Bill and Charlie decided it would be best if Orville lived like a pet. Since Hermione had muggle money, she apparated to the muggle pet shop and bought a dog house and apparated it back. Orville was less of a dog and more of a cowpig, but since he was a runty little thing he still fit fine in there. At night, that was where he slept. At day, that was where he wasn't.

Every single day in the meantime, Ginny would come over to Orville's dog house first thing in the morning and wake him up and feed him. At first she would feed him from more bottles full of baby cowpig formula, but then she started adding a little bit of sugar because he liked it. What her mom didn't know wouldn't hurt her until they ran out of sugar.

They liked to play games like Follow the Leader, Tea Parties, and Freeze Tag. Orville didn't ever win because his legs were still baby-leg-length, but he had fun anyway because he didn't understand the rules to the game and didn't know he was losing. Sometimes they would go on walks or have picnics together.

Molly was spying on them out the window to make sure they didn't get into any trouble, and she also had a smile on her face. She looked to her left, but then she noticed nobody was there so she looked to her right where Arthur was standing and said, "How sweet. They are best friends and Ginny really adores her pet cowpig. Why just yesterday I saw them playing Cops and Robbers, and Ginny transfigured Orville into a cowpig that is wearing a robber uniform! It was mad cool to watch."

"Yeah," replied Arthur. "It's a shame we can't keep him much longer."

Fred and George were upstairs in their bedroom at the time but they still heard this conversation because they were using extendable ears like the kind they invented in the books.

"Should we tell her?" asked George.

"I won't," answered Fred. "You tell her."

"I don't want to tell her," answered back George. "You can tell her yourself."

"I will do no such thing, you stupid little git," answered Fred back to George this time.

Then they both imagined a lightbulb over their head like an idea, because they thought of it at the same time.

"We'll tell her together!" they said in unison, so excitedly that it almost would've made you puke if you saw it because nobody should be that excited. But then Ginny walked into the room right before they said that and they looked up and saw her and she had just heard part of the conversation.

"Tell me what?" she demanded. "Is Harry cheating on me? I knew it, that bastard thinks he's hot stuff just because he's famous! Well if he's gonna cheat, I'm gonna cheat right back!"

But before she could apparate to Draco Malfoy's house to have an affair with him, Fred and George stopped her by saying, "No, we heard mum and dad say that it's a shame we can't keep Orville much longer!"

Ginny burst into tears. "You're lying!" she screamed from on top of her lungs. "They would never do such a thing after letting me have him as a pet! I can't believe you would say that! What a crock!"

And then she ran from the room.

Meanwhile, downstairs, Ginny was arriving in the living room and then she ran right past it to the kitchen to confront her parents, who were still there only now they were talking about the world cup of Quidditch and how the results were exactly the same as the soccer world cup and Germany beat Argentina 1-0. Meanwhile, Ginny was arriving in the kitchen when she tripped over the threshold and fell down face first but she grabbed her wand and screamed, "Wingardium leviosa!" as she pointed it at herself and stopped herself falling just in time, and then she lowered herself to the ground and stood up. She was still crying.

"Watch out for that first step, it's a doozy!" said Harry, who was watching from the table and saw what had happened.

"Why whatever is the matter, darling?" asked Molly to Ginny, who was her daughter. "Why the heck are you crying?"

"We can't keep him much longer? Why?" sobbed Ginny aloud as she talked and cried at the same time.

"Well you see, Ginny…" began Molly.

"What?" interrupted Ginny.

"We're going to have to get rid of him soon because we're running out of cowpig formula for him to drink, and he's getting too old for the stuff anyway, and we're poor and we can't afford more formula, and we want to sell him for money."

Finally, it was Arthur's turn to say something sensible for a change. "We could sell 'im to the Lovegoods. They live just over the hill. Practically neighbors! You could visit little Orson anytime you want." He was proud of how good his idea was.

Ginny was not proud though. She was annoyed. "His name's Orville! Don't you care enough to get his name right?" she wailed. "Besides, I guess you have a good idea anyway. Then I wouldn't have to take care of him anymore, but I would still get to play with him. It's a win-win situation for me."

"Then it's settled," said Arthur. "I shall call Xenophilius right away." He walked over to the phone and picked it up and pressed some buttons on it and it was cordless, and he held it up to his ear.

"It's on the wrong way, dumbass," said Harry. "You're holding it upside down."

So Arthur fixed the phone to be the right way like it should have been in the first place, and he pressed the talk button on the phone and held it to his ear just as he heard a voice on the other end of the phone line all of a sudden.

"Xenophilius Lovegood here, general manager of Lovegood Farms, and editor-in-chief of The Quibbler. May I ask who is calling?"

"Yo, Xenni, my main man. It's me, Arthur. My little Ginny has a cowpig that we'd like to sell to you for five galleons. It's probably not a runt."

"Probably, eh? I like those odds! I'll take it. Come by my house tomorrow and therefore you shall bring the pig and I shall bring you the money and then I will raise the cowpig on my farm and you can stop raising him and your daughter Ginny can visit and play and have fun whenever she wants every day throughout the summer. I also have a broom swing she can play on too! It's not magic, but it's still a lot of fun that she can play with after Orville's bedtime if she doesn't wanna go home yet! And Luna lives here too, they are good friends."

And so it was decided. And so they went to his house tomorrow, and so they sold Orville for some galleons. All was good in the wizarding world.


	3. Orville's Marvellous Escape

All of a sudden, Orville was confused. Xenophilius Lovegood set Orville down in the barn (which was converted from a garage) next to a large bowl, which was kind of like a trough. The left half was filled with slop, and the right half was filled with hay, because once you wean a cowpig off of formula, they need to start eating cow food and pig food, not just either one. Xenophilius took his wand and drew a square around Orville and the bowl, and muttered a spell out loud because he wasn't very good at nonverbal magic. Orville didn't know what the spell did, but he smiled and waited until Xenophilius walked away. Then he tried to follow him, but he couldn't.

It turned out that the spell Xenophilius did was to cast an invisible magic fence wall that would make it so that Orville couldn't get out of it. He wasn't too worried about it though because there was food, and also Ginny was arriving to talk to him.

Ginny couldn't get through the fence wall because the spell was the kind that makes it so only the caster and things he's holding can go through, so she sat there and smiled at Orville. He smiled back at Ginny. Then she smiled back at him, and he smiled back at her some more. They kept smiling for a while, and Ginny decided to say some sentences.

"It sucks you can't leave your magic box to make new friends here," continued Ginny. "Maybe I could be your friend today."

"That's so sweet of you," said Orville, but it actually was just a snort and a moo. Humans can't speak animal language, and that includes any wizards except animagi and werewolves. Ginny was neither, so she didn't understand what a snort or a moo would mean, but she saw the smile on Orville's face and she understood in her heart even if she didn't understand in her head. But secretly she did understand, because that was her special power, but nobody knew it. She smiled back at him.

"Ginny, time to—" began Fred.

"—Go home!" George finished.

"Ugh, fine, whatever! You guys are such asswits, I can't believe Dad left you in charge of me while I'm here. I hope you rot in hell," said Ginny, looking at her wristwatch. She noticed the time. "Oh, nevermind, you're right. It is time go. Sorry I ever doubted you."

Harry heard them using the twins' extendable ears from all the way over at the Weasley house, and he yelled back as loud as he could, "Lol, next time look before you say something stupid!" Ginny heard him and she was sad.

They all apparated home even though it was only a short trip over the hill because Fred and George were lazy bums.

Orville looked around. Everything looked so open, but felt so closed. To each side he saw a different animal. There was a cat, who was regular and not a magical creature, or so Orville thought. It was actually a half-Kneazle named Crookshanks. There was also an owl named Flynn, and underneath Orville's bowl was a rat named Scabbers. Crookshanks and Scabbers didn't get along because cats hate mice. That was the only reason. But Orville didn't know all this yet. All he knew was he was trapped, Ginny had left, and he felt all alone.

"I suppose it would've been better if I'd never been born at all," exclaimed Orville.

"What'd you say?" asked a voice nearby. Orville turned his head, trying to find the source of the voice.

"I said I wish I'd never been born!" he repeated, zeroing in on the nearby cat, who had been the one talking to him.

"Oh, you mustn't say things like that," said Crookshanks. "Don't you know that fence wall only goes so high?"

Orville looked up a little bit. The fence wall was invisible, so he couldn't tell how high it went. He tried climbing it, and failed; it was perfectly smooth and he could not get a grip.

"Oh," said Crookshanks. "I guess you'd better dig."

So down Orville dug, down deeper and deeper until his feet were about two feet below ground level. As a runt, he was nice and small and this made him just the right height for his head to be completely below the bottom of the fence wall. Now an idea was forming in his head. Instead of digging down, he started deciding to dig his way forward until he was on the outside of the fence wall. Then he dug his way back up and he was out and free.

"Good job, mate," said Crookshanks. "Now you can do-do-do whatever you want forever as long as you don't get captured. You won't have Ol' Farmer Lovegood or Little Ginny to kick you around anymore."

"But I like Ginny," said Orville, now confused and worried that he'd done the wrong thing by escaping."

"Oh, okay then. You sound like you have a little-ittle-ittle bit of Stockholm Syndrome. That's where prisoners start to fall in love-love-love with their captors."

"I'm not in love with her," screamed Orville quietly, with a calm voice but a stern look on his face. "She's my best friend and she's taken care of me since I was little, even littler than I am now. You wouldn't understand, because I heard cats don't like humans."

Orville dashed off before Crookshanks could answer. Out he was, out in the corn fields, out running around, out chasing things. Until suddenly the only thing happened that Orville could not predict but he really should have seen it coming: Xenophilius looked out the window and saw Orville loose and free. Orville continued playing, happily and merrily and cheerfully and joyously and all the other wonderful adverbs, until the door opened, and he continued playing even more until a shadow loomed over him. He looked down, he saw the shadow, and then he looked up. There was Xenophilius, there to get him back. Orville ran.

"Oh no you don't," stated Xenophilius. "I have magic powers beyond your wildest cowpig instincts. I can recapture you again back into your fence wall, and this time I shall make sure you shall not escape again, okay?"

Orville turned around and ran the other way, as Xenophilius drew his wand.

"Cowpigium capturus!" shouted Xenophilius Lovegood, as he swished and flicked his wand and aimed it at Orville. Orville blinked. Suddenly he was captured again, all the way back inside the fence wall. What's more, this time a different spell had been used so the bottom was blocked off too, and he could even see it. It was made out of stainless steel, covered with grass to make it more comfortable. He looked up, and wondered if the top part of his enclosure was still open.

"You should have escaped all the way while you still had the chance-ance-ance," remarked Crookshanks. And then night fell and it was their bedtime so they all went to sleep.


	4. Orville Was Alone

Now that he was locked in his box all good and proper, there was nothing that Orville could do to escape again. So he finished sleeping through the night and woke up again in the morning, ready to start his day, but there wasn't really much to do today. Ginny wasn't going to visit, so he thought it would be a good day to introduce himself to the other animals living in Lovegood Farms.

It was raining so he couldn't escape from his box anyway. Rain is dark and dreary and stuff. So instead, he decided to start introducing himself around. The other animals were also staying in the barn where his box was, because they also didn't want to get wet. If there had been any ducks they wouldn't have minded the rain, but Xenophilius Lovegood didn't have any ducks. Water slides down a duck's feathers instead of getting absorbed, which helps them to swim and to fly in the rain.

Anyway, he looked around the room. There was all the animals that lived there, and it was too many for Orville to decide whom he should first get to know, so he figured he'd get to know them all at once. As you will see, this proved to be a poor idea.

"Hi, I'm Orville!" he stated calmly and clearly, to nobody in particular. His hope was that they would all respond to him, one at a time, in clockwise order. This seemed the most organized way of doing things. Worst case scenario, they'd all go at once, but at least that was a starting point. Unfortunately, the real worst case scenario was even worse, and it happened. Nobody responded at all.

Orville waited several minutes, but after about 45 of them, he gave up. He started to become a little bit sad, but then he decided not to be sad, and instead he formulated another plan. It was going to be a better plan than the first. This time, he'd introduce himself to each animal in the room one at a time. He'd still go in a clockwise order, because that was still the most organized way of doing things. So he started. He started with the rat that was under his bowl.

"Good morning, rat! My name is Orville! What's your name?"

"Fuck off, mate," responded the rat.

"That's a very unfortunate name," said Orville. Whoever named you must not care for you very much.

"Are you trying to take the piss, or are you just stupid?" asked the rat. "My name is Scabbers. I don't live here because I'm a loyal and dedicated pet of the Weasley family, but I hang out here because why not. But I like to hang out here because my owner, Ron, has an annoying little sister who I don't like. I don't like anyone, and I don't like you, but I especially don't like that Ginny girl."

"Oh, you mustn't say such a thing!" said Orville. "Ginny is my friend and she takes care of me and she's the nicest human I know!"

"Then why isn't she here visiting you?" Scabbers asked incredulously.

Orville pondered for a minute, but couldn't think of an answer. He forgot that the reason she wasn't there was because it was raining, so he remained silent.

"That's what I thought," said Scabbers. "Now leave me alone. I don't like you."

Orville was bored, and now he was sad. But he had to continue his plan. That was crucial if he wanted to get to know the other animals. He moved onto the next one, which was the cat that had helped him escape yesterday.

"Hi there, cat! My name is Orville! What's—" He began.

"We met yesterday. My name is still Crookshanks, I'm still half-kneazle, and I'm not going to waste my time talking to you if you're just going to disregard my advice and forget who I am."

"But I—"

"But nothing. Good-good-good day."

Orville sighed and moved on. He wasn't having good luck, but he had one chance left. Before he could ask the last animal its name, Xenophilius came in and scooped some cowpig food into Orville's bowl. "TIME TO EAT!" screamed Xenophilius. Orville's ears were still ringing as Lovegood left the farm and went back to his home.

He didn't start eating. He was too sad, and he had a mission.

"Are you gonna eat that?" asked Scabbers, suddenly much more friendly than he'd been before.

"Yeah man, hold on. I just wanna finish meeting everyone first."

"Okay bro, you let me know."

Orville turned to face the owl that was perched on the owl-perch above him. Up on the perch was perched an owl named Flynn.

"Why, hello! My name is—"

The owl also interrupted him.

"—Orville. You've just told Crookshanks and Scabbers your name, so of course I heard it. Owls have very good ears you know," said the owl. "My name is Flynn and I am an owl that lives here. I am the mail delivery fellow, and what I do is deliver all the mail for the Lovegoods. But, being an owl, I am nocturnal, and I am TRYING TO SLEEP. Now if you don't mind, kindly do as Scabbers suggested not two minutes ago, and fuck off, mate!"

Orville was shocked and a little bit stunned. He wasn't expecting everyone around him to be so grumpy. He was starting to think that maybe they just didn't like him because he was a runt. After all, a cowpig should be much bigger. It had even almost gotten him killed several times! Maybe they just didn't like him. His self-confidence was starting to diminish, and he thought maybe he was losing his value as a cowpig being. Or worse, maybe he didn't have any at all.

He looked toward his food bowl, now feeling too depressed to eat. He was going to offer it to Scabbers, but it was empty. Sitting next to it was Scabbers, patting his belly. That darned rat had eaten it anyway! It worked out the same, but Orville was annoyed nonetheless.

"I suppose I shall never have a friend here, shall I?" Orville mumbled, beginning to cry. It was already raining, but now it was raining and dark. He'd spent all day just trying to introduce himself to his barnmates, and they were all giant dicks. What a waste.

"I'll be your friend, friend," said a voice from above.

Orville looked left, right, and even turned around in a complete circle, but he couldn't see the source of the voice. "Who are you? Where are you calling me friend from, friend?" he asked.

The voice above spoke again. "Look up. When you hear a voice from above, always look up."

It was sound advice, and so Orville followed it. He looked up, and there, hanging from the corner of the ceiling living even higher above Flynn, was a giant acromantula! But he didn't actually see it because it was too dark.

"I can't see in the dark," complained Orville.

"Then go to sleep. I'll be here in the morning, and we can get to know each other all day."

And so he did.


	5. Orville's Friend

Orville was trying to get to sleep so that it could hurry up and be morning (time doesn't go faster while you sleep but it feels like it) so he could finally meet the acromantula on the ceiling that he hadn't seen yet and he didn't know it was an acromantula, but he couldn't because it was the middle of the night and everyone was being too noisy. He kinda wanted them to shut the fuck up but the noise was coming of a lot of animals and he was too polite to even tell one of them to kindly be quiet, let alone tell a lot of them, either in a row or all at once. So instead, he decided not to try and quiet them down.

Noise was coming from every which way. Some of it came from other animals, like Scabbers going in and out. Orville assumed Scabbers was going to visit someone in Albania, but he didn't know for sure, and really it was just a guess. Orville didn't have any relatives in Albania that he knew of. His only relative was Ginny, but she was human so she wasn't really an actual relative of his, but an adoptive relative of his. He loved her the way a daughter loves her father, or the way a cowpig loves his human.

Noise was also coming from above, because Flynn was awake and having a good time and flying around the barn and flapping his wings. Every time he flapped his wings, it made a flapping noise, and Orville couldn't stop hearing it to sleep through the sound. Xenophilius had thoughtlessly forgotten to give him earmuffs to keep the sounds out during sleep times. To be fair, he'd gotten through the previous night just fine. This night was only harder to sleep through because of the anticipation. He was going to meet a friend!

Apparently he did fall asleep at some point. He didn't remember doing such a thing, but he found himself waking up, the sun shining brightly, the owl and the rat peacefully being quiet, which was different from the loud that they'd been before when he was trying to fall asleep in the first place.

"G'mornin'!" exclaimed Orville excitedly. Crookshanks pretended to ignore him. Flynn actually ignored him. Scabbers grumbled, as if to say "I acknowledge that you have spoken, but I will not give you the benefit of a proper response."

"Good morning, Orville!" said a voice.

Orville looked up expectantly, but there was nothing above Flynn, or in fact, at all near the general direction. So he looked left, right, and left again, then started to spin in a circle. Once he'd done a 180, he was facing backwards from where he'd been facing in the first place, and there at the barn door he saw Farmer Lovegood.

"It's time to eat your breakfast, Orville," announced Xenophilius. "I'm dreadfully sorry for screaming so loud about yesterday's meal. I was quite shaken after what had just happened to me." He didn't explain what had happened to him as he poured some cowpig food into the food bowl.

Orville looked at Xenophilius and snort-mooed, with a look of "thank you" in his eyes. Xenophilius understood and meant to say "you're welcome" in response, but totally forgot to say anything at all, and just walked away. Orville then looked at the bowl, then underneath it, where he saw Scabbers starting intently and expectantly at him.

"It's okay, little buddy, you can have some of my food if you want," Orville said. "I'm always happy to share."

Scabbers was appalled. "Don't ever call me little buddy again unless you want me to get you," he responded. "Seriously, mate, even I don't know what kinds of infectious diseases I might have. Except you. You're definitely a disease, but I'm stuck with you."

"Oh I get it. Clever." Orville was laughing too hard to be offended. It was a funny joke because rats really do carry infectious diseases.

"Laugh it up, I was being serious. You are a whiny little git and I don't like you," said Scabbers, now becoming increasingly annoyed.

"Joke's on you, I don't need you for a friend. I've got the voice on the ceiling, she promised she'd be here in the morning. She wasn't here when I woke up, but I know she'll be my friend."

"Great. He's hearing voices now," thought Scabbers, but he didn't say it aloud because he was getting hungry and whether or not they got along, it was too late for Orville to call take-backsies on the share of food that had been offered.

They ate. Orville consumed about five-eighths of the food that had been given, and Scabbers only had about three-eighths. It was a reasonable division, as Orville was just over twice as big as Scabbers. Orville was reasonably full after eating, and Scabbers was also reasonably full after eating. They both could've eaten more, but neither one was actually hungry, just not stuffed either.

Then, all of a sudden, without expectation, without warning, a voice came from out of nowhere except for above Orville, where it came from. It was the same voice he'd heard the previous evening at bedtime.

"Salutatius maximus," greeted the voice warmly.

"Salutatius who?" questioned Orville curiously. He looked around, to the left and to the right, and turned around in a circle, before remembering the advice he'd been given about looking the same way it sounded like the sound was coming from. He looked up and saw the acromantula. He wasn't scared of her because he didn't know that acromantulas are supposed to be scary.

"Salutatius maximus," said the voice again. It's a wizarding world greeting. It's a spell to say hello!

"Well a very salutataximus maximus to you as well," responded Orville. "But seriously, who are you? Is your name Max?"

The acromantula chuckled. "No, Max is a boy's name. My name is Emily Jane Wright, but you can call me Emily! I'm an acromantula. Most young animals are scared of me, and I find it oh so delightful that you are not."

Orville was concerned. "Should I be?"

"Nope."

"Cool. Then my name is Orville. You can call me Orville! I wish my name were Orville Molly Weasley, after my good friend Ginny Molly Weasley, but I didn't get to have that many names so it's just Orville. You can call me Orville Molly Weasley if you want, but you don't have to."

"Okay, I'll keep that in mind," said Emily with a smile on her face, though you wouldn't know it because acromantula smiles look really ugly and scary like regular monster faces. But Orville could tell it was a smile by the giggle in her voice. And then, all of a sudden, he noticed that Emily was wrapping something up in her web. "What's that?" he asked.

"It's a nargle. I eat them for some of my meals. They come out at night, so people don't usually see them, but I capture them all up in this web and eat them before anybody can see them. Some acromantulas eat people, or even cowpigs, but I think that's just dreadful, so I eat these li'l buggers instead. In fact, most of us do, that's why you don't really see nargles around."

Orville was fascinated. But more, he was happy. He had a friend that wouldn't stay at home just because it was raining.


	6. Orville in the Summer

The sun shined brightly. It was too beautiful not to play. But Orville was stuck in his box on that warm, sunny day. Too trapped to go out, and he didn't even have a ball. So he sat in his little invisible box, and didn't do anything.

Orville looked to the left, and then he looked to the right, and then he looked to the left again. If he were crossing a street, that would've been the safe thing to do. Alas, there were no streets here. He was merely looking around for something to hold his attention. He looked to the sky. It was bright blue with white spots shaped like clouds. He looked to the ground. It was brown with green spots shaped like grass. There were some birds in the sky that he didn't notice, calmly flying away from a bigger predator bird. They were surprisingly quiet for what they were doing, which is probably why he didn't even detect their presence.

"Good morning, Orville, are you excited?" came a voice from above. By now he was well trained to look up when he heard a voice from that direction.

"Why whatever should I be excited for? There is nothing going on in the sky, or on the ground, and nothing for me to do. I am so bored I could yawn."

"Today is the big day, my cowpigly friend," answered Emily. "Haven't you heard the news?"

"What news? I can't watch the news, there's no TV out here, at least that I can see from my box."

Emily chuckled at least a little bit. "No, silly old cowpig, it's much more local than any broadcast news. Today is Crookshanks' due date."

Orville gasped. "No way, for reals? I didn't even know Crookshanks was a girl cat, let alone pregnant."

Crookshanks was starting to get irritated, but didn't say anything just yet. She was curious just how much Orville was able not to know.

"Oh, but she is. She is both," said Emily with a smile like that of someone who was amused. "She has been pregnant for nine half-cat-half-kneazle months exactly, as of today. That means she is ready to give birth to her own gaggle of kitteneazles."

"Wow," exclaimed Orville. "I don't know if I can even count that high."

Finally, Crookshanks interjected. "You blistering buffoon. How is it that you cannot even count to nine? I could count to that number in my sleep. Nine is a very important number for my kind. Not only is that how long we are pregnant, but that's also how many lives I have. Each individual life is half-cat-half-kneazle because I am a half-breed."

"Ohhh," said Orville. He didn't understand, but he thought it would be polite to pretend he did. After all, it seemed to annoy Crookshanks when he didn't.

"Anyway, yes-es-es, I am planning on giving birth to my babies today. I have not yet picked out their names, but mark my words, whatever names I choose will be good ones. The best names ever heard in either the cat or kneazle worlds. It shall be glorious. There will be absolutely NO silly names like Orville or Theodore."

"You think Orville is a silly name? I like it very much. Ginny gave it to me, and she's the best human friend—"

"That's precisely it!" shouted Crookshanks. "She is human. They are scum, the lot of them. Almost as bad as rats. The only thing worse would be if someone were somehow to be both human and rat. As bad as rats, but I couldn't eat them."

"But she's—"

"Enough. I have decided it is time to give birth now. Please look away."

Orville turned around to give Crookshanks her privacy. He couldn't see anything, because he was facing the wrong way, but he did hear Emily say "push" a few times. There were some very loud, pained meows, and then they stopped to make way for much quieter, higher pitch meows coming from several directions at once.

"Oh, Orville," began Emily, grinning ear to ear, not that you could tell because acromantula smiles are terrifying. "You can go ahead and look now."

Orville turned around. "Holy mackerel," he said. "That's a lot of baby yous. How many is it?"

"Two," answered Crookshanks. "Are you seriously telling-elling-elling me that you can't even count to two?"

"Oh, I can," lied Orville. "I was just testing you."

Then Scabbers came out. Crookshanks did not like Scabbers because he was a rat. That was the only reason.

"What do you want, you fiend?" asked Crookshanks.

"I call dibs on the bigger one," said Scabbers.

Crookshanks hissed. If she weren't so tired after the miracle of life, she would have clawed at Scabbers. Alas, she was far too worn out to do any such thing. Scabbers had been well aware of this, and timed his assholery for this very reason.

"You would be well advised to get out of here before I regain my strength-ength-ength," scowled Crookshanks.

"But of course, my friend," replied Scabbers so sarcastically you could practically smell it. "I was just going to ask if you had any leftover eggs from before the little ones hatched. I could use an unhatched egg for my collection."

"My kind does not lay eggs," said Crookshanks pretentiously. "We would never do anything so crass. Our young are made the natural way."

"Gross," said Scabbers. "Well nevermind then. I'll be on my way. I have to go bleach my brain." And then he left, back into the hole from which he had emerged. Orville considered following him through that hole to escape from his box, but he was too big to fit through it. Even a cowpig as runty as him was bigger than most rats, even a fat one like Scabbers.

"Well, congratulations," said Emily. "Have you decided what to name them?"

"Yes, I have. As they are both females, I shall give them both feminine names. One will be April, and the other will be Donatella-ella-ella."

"Those are lovely names," replied Emily.

"I agree wholeheart—" began Orville.

"Shut up," interrupted Crookshanks. "If you like these names, they're no good. You have no taste."

"Even a stopped cowpig is right once a day, you know."

"Clearly not," said Crookshanks angrily.

"Okay," sighed Orville. "If you say so."

Emily decided now was the time to comfort Orville. She did so by chewing out Crookshanks. "Orville is still but a child. You may not like him, but he's trying his hardest. You should be ashamed of yourself for treating him in such an undignified manner. I thought you were all about being dignified, but clearly not. Is this the example you want to set for your newborns?"

Crookshanks knew she had lost this round, mainly because acromantulas are much bigger than her and she didn't want to turn this minor disagreement into an all-out brawl. She wasn't sorry, but she knew when the gig was up.

And then, Flynn hooted because he was still there too, perched in his place as always.


	7. Orville Dies at the End

Several weeks had passed since Crookshanks had given birth. Orville had spent this time trying to get to know the kitteneazles, which were about as friendly as their mother. He had also spent this time getting to know Emily, who was in fact quite friendly. As far as Orville was concerned, Emily was the best sort of friend a cowpig could have. Emily didn't think quite as highly of Orville, but she certainly didn't mind him either, and compared to the rest of the farm animals he was easily the least offensive.

Throughout these weeks, Ginny had been visiting regularly. Sometimes she let Orville out of his box to play for a while, because Xenophilius changed the spell so that any human could open the box, but on Lovegood's orders, she had to lock him back up afterward. Sometimes she just sat on a stool in the barn and talked to him. Whatever she did while she was there, she was glad she did it with Orville. Today, she was sitting and watching all the animals, listening to their conversations.

Since his arrival at the farm, Orville had grown quite fat. This isn't a bad thing for cowpigs; they like to be fat, and it's healthy for them. He'd gotten to eat all kinds of great cowpig food. It wasn't actually very good, but he hadn't tasted better in his short life, and so as far as he was concerned this was the best there was, and he had no qualms about saying so.

"Mm-mm-mm," he exclaimed between bites. "This breakfast is delicious."

"You would think so, wouldn't you?" said Crookshanks snidely.

"What do you mean?" asked Orville curiously.

"I mean you've never had fresh food," answered Crookshanks. "You wouldn't know good dining if you bit it in the butt."

"Butts? Are those good?"

"It's a damned idiom. Seriously, shut up."

"What's an idiom?"

"SHUT UP!"

Flynn decided to speak up. "An idiom, my mild-minded friend, is an expression, a saying that means something different than what it means."

"Oh," lied Orville.

"And I suppose you haven't figured out why Lovegood is fattening you up, either."

"You mean he's not doing it because he likes me?"

"Of course not, you buffoon. Why would a human like you?"

"I'm polite, and easy to talk to."

"Try again."

"Ginny likes me."

"Ginny also likes that Potter boy. She's not very bright, even by human standards. She probably only likes you because her fool heart sees a kindred spirit in you."

Ginny frowned. She was tempted to interject, but didn't want to give away her secret power of understanding magical creatures. Even Dumbledore didn't know she could do that, and even her own parents didn't know it, and she had no intention of revealing this secret, lest someone think it was a Death Eater power. Harry had gone through something similar with Parseltongue, and the idea frightened her.

"Okay, then, I give up," sighed Orville. "Why is Farmer Lovegood feeding me so much?"

"Because," began Flynn, "once you're good and big, you'll be cooked up and cut up into a Christmas ham and steak dinner. I assure you, Xenophilius is quite looking forward to it."

Orville laughed. "That won't happen. I'm a runt! I can't get big!"

"You can if you keep eating the way you have been."

Ginny gasped. Orville thought about what Flynn was saying, and the smile slowly faded from his face as he started to understand. And then he started trying to escape from the box.

"LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LET ME OUT!" he shrieked, as he headbutted the side of the invisible box.

Ginny was tempted to let him out herself, but all the ruckus had drawn Xenophilius outside; she couldn't help him escape while he was watching.

"Calm yourself, Orville," spoke a voice from above. Orville, in his panic, did a backflip, and during the brief moment that he was facing up, he could see that it was Emily talking.

"How can I be calm!?" yelled Orville. "They're gonna murder me in cold, delicious blood!"

"Because I have a plan," said Emily gently, without a hint of fear or freaking-out-ness in her voice."

Orville instantly felt relieved. "A plan? What is it?"

"I don't know yet. But I've got one, and I'll know what it is soon."

Crookshanks and Flynn could both tell that Emily did not have a plan, but were glad to hear the barn had become peaceful again. Orville wasn't as bright, so to him, what Emily had said made perfect sense.

Ginny was as unconvinced as the other animals, but she had faith that Emily would be able to think of something within a short time. Emily definitely seemed resourceful and honest, in spite of the lie. If Emily said not to worry, then one way or another she'd think of something to protect Orville.

But just in case, Ginny decided to spend the rest of the day with Orville. If there was even the tiniest chance he could become food, she wasn't going to waste any time away from him that she could possibly spare. The last thing she wanted was to visit one week, find him chopped up into juicy, delicious pork, and realize that she'd missed his last moments, and not gotten all the time with him that she could.

That night, Ginny walked back home over the hill, tears almost streaming down her face, but not quite. She held back her tears, trying her best not to cry too much. In fact, she did such a good job that she didn't cry at all. She got home safely, and went to sleep, not knowing how to feel. Meanwhile, back at the farm, Orville and the other animals also went to sleep, each dreaming of things they loved dearly, and Emily dreaming plans to save Orville's life. Fred and George dreamed of ideas for how to make everyone around them angry, and Harry dreamed he was shaking hands with Dumbledore after winning the house cup.


	8. Orville Is Not an Acromantula

Acromantulas aren't like regular spiders. It's like they're in the top percentage of spiders. They're bigger, faster, and stronger too. What's more, their webs are much stronger. They have to be, since they capture much larger prey. Still, even acromantula webs aren't entirely indestructible. They have to be thin enough that their targets won't as easily see them, otherwise they would go the long way around. This alone has a strong impact on their potential structural integrity. A human with a reasonable sharp knife can cut them with relative ease. A dog or cat can generally get out with a bit of a struggle. Heck, even a particularly feisty nargle can escape, if it's quick enough and if the acromantula isn't around to wrap it as soon as it gets caught.

It was for precisely this reason that Emily often found herself rebuilding or reinforcing her webs near the top of the barn. She operated on a tight schedule. Every night, while all the other animals were asleep, she would systematically identify and repair any weak points. Anything that had been pushed aside upon catching prey, anything that had been blown too hard by the wind, anything that Flynn had wrecked when leaving for or returning from his mail route… it all needed constant upkeep. Every six days, assuming there hadn't been a disaster that completely destroyed the thing, Emily would tear down all her webs on purpose, so she could rebuild them from scratch. A fresh web is, of course, always stronger than a repaired web. She had six webs in all throughout the barn, so a different one got rebuilt every day.

Emily didn't really mind any of this. As an acromantula, this was her life, her instinct, her very nature. If her food were to be delivered to her the way it was to the farm animals on the ground, she'd be quite displeased at being deprived of her purpose. It was a lot of work, but it was something she enjoyed doing, and wouldn't give up for anything.

Orville didn't really understand any of this. To be fair, he didn't really understand much of anything, but he understood this less than most things. He'd never put much thought into the webs. They'd always been there ever since he first arrived at the barn, and no matter how messed up they got during the day, they always seemed to be all fixed up in the morning. As far as he knew, this was just the way things were; it never occurred to him that someone was actually doing it. He was, however, a little curious about why Lovegood fed him but didn't feed Emily. So he decided to ask about it.

"Emily," Orville began between bites of his daily breakfast slop. "How come you have to catch your own food? Wouldn't it be easier if you had a bowl like me and Farmer Lovegood fed you every day like me and you didn't have to eat nargles like me?"

"Oh, but I like nargles," answered Emily. "I like catching them, I like eating them, and Luna is all the happier to see them gone."

"Luna?" questioned Orville.

"The farmer's daughter. She doesn't come out to the barn often. In fact, I haven't seen her back here since the summer started. But she and your Ginny are good friends, and sometimes they go to the mall together. I've seen them chatting out front on many occasions."

Scabbers, who had been quietly listening where nobody could see him, came out of the shadows and scoffed. "Ginny's got friends? Then why does she spend so much time with the cowpig?"

"Hey!" exclaimed Orville.

"Now, now, there's no need for that," said Emily. "Scabbers, apologize to Orville."

"Fuck you," responded Scabbers.

"I suppose that's the best we're going to get," sighed Emily.

"That's okay," said Orville. "I'm sure he's sorry deep down." Scabbers turned away and skulked back to the shadows. He was not a fan of Orville's optimism. Suddenly, Orville realized he'd been sidetracked.

"So, Emily, you like nargles? Do they taste good?" he asked.

"Oh, yes, they do," said Emily enthusiastically. "The taste reminds me of my childhood. The best part is after I finish them, though, when I get to spin more web so I can catch even more.

"Spin more web?" asked Orville. He was just full of questions. From across the barn, Crookshanks eyed Orville incredulously. He knew Orville was dumb, but surely he had noticed Emily building the webs by now. He just had to have noticed. But he hadn't.

"Spin more web," repeated Emily patiently. "You didn't think my webs made themselves, did you?"

"Uhh…" Orville started, but he had no idea where to go from here.

"I have glands in my buttal region that produce the silk my webs are made from, and then I use my legs to form it into a shape that can withstand some wear and tear and catch prey."

"I can do that too," bragged Orville.

"No you can't," said Emily.

"Yes I can, and I'll prove it." He took a dump on the ground, but it wasn't silky enough to make a web out of.

"As I said, I have special glands that produce my silk," explained Emily. "It's not just ordinary waste."

Orville was disappointed. He usually only pooped right before meals, because he knew Lovegood would clean it up when he came outside with fresh slop, but he'd just eaten so this mess was likely to be out here for hours.

"Dumbass," proclaimed Scabbers, who had once again emerged from his hiding spot, once again to pick on Orville.

"Scabbers, do you know something I could use as silk?" Orville asked.

"I do, but you can't have it."

"Please?" pleaded Orville. He really wanted to prove he could make a web.

"What do I get in return?"

"I think you would make an excellent meal, Scabbers," said Emily.

"Point taken. I've got some rope that I stole from the farmer a few months ago, I've been hiding it under the house. I can get it for you after lunch."

"Oh, that would be wonderful!" exclaimed Orville. "Thank you so much!"

"Thank your little friend up there," replied Scabbers. "I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing this for me."

Orville was excited. For the next several hours, he waited impatiently for lunch, pacing back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. As he paced, he sang: "I'm gonna make a web, I'm gonna make a web. And when I make a web, an acromantula I'll be."

After lunch, true to his word, Scabbers returned with a length of rope. It was six feet long, not nearly long enough for a web, but Orville didn't know that. Scabbers pulled it through the hole in the magic invisible box.

"Where do ya want this?" asked Scabbers.

"If you could tie it to the end of my tail, I would be ever so grateful," answered Orville.

"You got it," said Scabbers with a nasty looking grin on his face. He brought the rope to Orville's backside, and tied it around Orville's tail just as he'd been asked, and made sure to pull it as tight as he possibly could.

"Yeeowch!" shouted Orville. "Did you need to tie it that tight?"

"Yeah, unless you want it to fall off," lied Scabbers.

"Well, okay then," said Orville. "I guess I should get started."

He looked around for something to jump from, something he could hang his rope-web from. And as he looked around, he realized something important: Everything was outside of his box. He had nowhere to start a web. Luckily, as it turned out, Ginny was arriving, and when she got there, the first thing she did was let Orville out so they could play. As soon as she finished, she noticed the rope tied to his tail. And then, all of a sudden, Orville jumped onto a nearby shelf. It was approximately 5 feet and 3 inches off the ground. Ginny watched curiously, as she knew this had to have been planned.

"Watch this, Emily!" shouted Orville, as he leapt off the shelf. Emily watched, and Ginny watched, and Scabbers watched, and Flynn watched, and Orville hit the ground face-first.

"It might help if you tied the other end to something," said Flynn, more helpful than usual.

"Like what?" asked Orville.

"Not my problem," said Flynn.

"You know," said Emily, "It's okay that you can't make a web. Cowpigs aren't supposed to make webs. They don't need to in the wild, so there no reason for nature to give them that power. I still like you, even if you can't make a web."

"I like you too," said Orville.

"I like both of you," thought Ginny, in her head, but not out loud.

That night, after Ginny went home, Orville started thinking about his impending doom again.

"Emily," he inquired. "How is that plan coming?"

"I haven't figured out what it is yet, but it's definitely there. Don't worry too hard about it, I'll have it before it's too late."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. You've nothing to fear. Until then, I just need you to stay strong. For both of us."

"Thanks, Emily."

"Goodnight, Orville."

"Goodnight."


	9. Orville and the Weasleys

The days continued to pass, and Emily continued to try and come up with a plan. Time was running out, and they all knew it except for Orville, who didn't understand seasons or in fact any periods of time longer than about an hour. But then, right in the middle of summer, it came to her, like a brick to a window.

"Orville, my friend, I've got it!"

Orville started to look around the barn, but quickly caught himself and looked up.

"Got what? Can I have some?" he asked.

"I've figured out the solution to your problem. I finally know what my plan is!"

"Yippee!" squealed Orville. "This is almost as good as the time Farmer Lovegood gave me extra slop! Are you going to tell me what it is?"

"That's a surprise. You'll just have to trust me."

Orville was excited. He really liked surprises. He enjoyed his life well enough, but it was rather predictable. His food tasted pretty much the same every day, the view was always the same, and there was rarely anything to do, so a good surprise would be fun. As he imagined the possibilities, several figures came up to the front of the barn. Orville looked up, and saw the entire Weasley family, as well as Harry! Hermione wasn't there, she was grounded.

"Hi, Orville! Hi, Emily! Hi, other animals!" said Ginny, as she ran up to Orville's box.

"What are you talking to the animals for?" began George.

"It's not as if they understand you," continued Fred.

"Who the fuck is Emily?" asked Harry.

"Watch your mouth, Harry," demanded Molly, "or you'll be grounded along with Hermione."

"No!" shrieked Ginny. "Don't leave them alone together again!" She had genuine panic on her face and in her voice. Arthur quickly caught onto this, and stepped in before things got out of hand.

"She's got a point, dear," he said calmly to his wife. "Besides, it's just a little swear. Not nearly on par with what Hermione did; it hardly justifies the same punishment."

"Oh, I suppose you're right as always," replied Molly.

Arthur turned to face everyone.

"Kids, your mother and I—"

"She's not my mother!" interrupted Harry. "My mum is dead!"

"For the last time, Harry, I know that!" Arthur cleared his throat. "As I was saying, Molly and I will be inside having lunch with Xenophilius. Luna is not here because she's at summer camp. You can join us inside or stay out here, it's up to you."

As Arthur and Molly walked away, Harry turned to Ginny.

"But seriously, who's Emily?" he asked.

"She's the acromantula that lives on the ceiling. She's quite nice."

Ron and Harry looked up and immediately got the creeps. They hadn't forgotten their own brush with some acromantula in their second year, and had every reason not to like them. Ron shuddered.

"What's the matter, Ron?" asked George. "Are you afraid of a little spider?"

"I think he is," said Fred.

"I am not," whined Ron.

"Oi, George, I bet I can squash that acromantula up there before you do," whispered Fred.

"Not a chance," whispered George.

"No!" yelled Ginny, who heard them because they were whispering really loud.

But it was too late. Fred and George both swished and flicked their wands, each using a different wordless spell to defeat Emily. But something happened that neither of them had counted on. They crossed the streams, and all of a sudden, there was a giant puff of smoke. It let out a horrible stench, like a mixture of rotting eggs and vomit-flavored jelly beans. The smoke was heavy, and started to settle quickly. To be specific, it settled onto Fred and George's clothes.

"Oh, gross," they said in unison.

"Serves you right," said Ginny, relieved to see Emily safe and sound on her web up on the ceiling. She had arrived just too late to hear Emily say she'd finished her plan, but still knew full well that if her idiot brothers had destroyed Emily then Orville might not survive the summer.

Crookshanks noticed the smell, and started to dash around the barn trying to escape it. Flynn flew away. Orville couldn't smell it from inside his box. The twins started to worry. They didn't know if they'd be able get that stink off of them. Harry, meanwhile, was laughing. There were few joys more delightful to him than watching bad things happen to the Weasley twins in a misguided attempt at mischief.

"Oh, shut it," yelled Fred. "You'll rue the day you decided to laugh at us."

This just made Harry laugh harder. "I suppose you'll both try to use a spell on me, won't you."

"We don't make the same mistake twice," rebutted George.

"Whatever, now go take a shower," said Harry. The twins began to walk home.

Ron thought for a moment. "I'll go tell Mum and Dad—"

"They're not my mum and dad! My parents were Lily and James Tiberius Potter."

"—what happened," Ron finished, as he started walking away.

As soon as Ron was out of sight, Harry got an idea.

"Hey, Ginny, we're alone out here now and—"

"Ugh! No, Harry. Not outside. Not in front of the animals. You are such a…" Ginny hesitated. She didn't want to say 'pig', for fear of hurting Orville's feelings.

"Such a what? Such a confident, manly risk-taker who isn't afraid to do what he wants?"

"Such a pervert!"

"You know you like it."

"Go away. I can't deal with this right now."

"Whatever. I'll be waiting in your room," scoffed Harry, walking back to the Weasley's.

Ginny had no intention of leaving angry, so she sat down on a stool in the barn. With her brothers gone, the smell was already starting to dissipate. She looked up and saw Emily quietly building a new, seventh web, right at the top of the entryway to the barn. "I wonder what that's about," she thought. "Emily doesn't usually build a web there."

Emily looked toward Ginny and winked. After Ginny's reaction earlier, Emily was starting to suspect that maybe Ginny knew more than she was letting on, but she didn't want to reveal what she was up to and spoil the surprise. Orville was not looking up, and didn't witness any of this, but Ginny got a confused look on her face.

"Orville, I… uh… I gotta go. I'll be back tomorrow."

Orville looked toward Ginny, but she was already dashing out. That was strange. Oh well, it was almost dinnertime. He couldn't wait.


	10. Orville Hooray!

The next morning, all the animals were still asleep, except Flynn, who hadn't yet returned from his most recent mail run, and Emily, who had just finished her project and was waiting patiently for everyone around her to wake up. Xenophilius got up nice and early because he couldn't sleep. He decided he might as well bring out breakfast for his animals early too, so it could be there for the animals to eat as soon as they were ready. He prepared all of their food, put on his bathrobe and slippers, and stepped outside. When he got there, he couldn't believe what he saw.

Right at the top of the entry to the barn was a large web, with letters spun into it in a way that couldn't be an accident. They said, "ORVILLE HOORAY!" He dropped the bowl of cowpig food he was holding, and it crashed with a loud breaking glass noise. This sound woke up all the animals in the near vicinity, which included the entire barn. Except Emily, who was already awake. She smiled inwardly, knowing that she was responsible for his behavior.

"Luna!" yelled the farmer, forgetting that his daughter was at summer camp. "Come take a look at this!" But Luna didn't come. She was at summer camp. "Oh, right," he said to himself, and went inside to use the phone.

"What's going on?" asked Orville groggily.

"Take a look," answered Emily, nodding toward her fancy new web.

"Wow," said Orville. "That's a mighty nice web. It doesn't look like your other webs."

"Of course it doesn't," hissed Crookshanks. "She's spun words into it."

"I can't hear them," said Orville.

"They're written," said Emily. "Humans can see the shapes in them and they know what words those shapes mean."

"That's pretty neat, but how do they know what is what?"

"Well, you see, each shape—or letter—makes a different sound. They learn all of the shapes, and each of those shapes says the same thing every time."

"Cool. What do these ones say?"

"They say Orville Hooray!' When they see this, they're bound to know you're special, and you won't get chopped up into tasty morsels for humans to eat."

"That sounds wonderful! Are you sure it will work?"

"It'll work on humans-umans-umans," interjected Crookshanks. "A smarter creature would clearly know this means the acromantula that spun the web is special, instead of giving the cowpig all the credit. But it'll definitely be enough to fool a human."

"Just to be safe, I intend to make more of these. One web is easily forgotten, but if I make enough, they'll know for sure that Orville is special."

Just then, Xenophilius came back out, but this time he had people with him. To his left was Arthur, and to his right were Molly and Ginny. They all looked at the web. They stared at it long, they stared at it hard. It was Ginny who finally broke the silence.

"Woowwww, so this is…" she didn't finish what she was saying.

"Amazing, innit?" said Arthur.

"Yes, dear, it really is," replied Molly. "I wonder where the spider is that spun this." It took Ginny a good deal of restraint not to correct her mother and point out that it was an acromantula's doing, but she wasn't going to risk revealing her secret ability.

"Who cares about the spider, darling? The web is saying hooray for the pig!" said Arthur.

"I wonder how much I could get for a pig with its own wordy web like this," mused Xenophilius. "I could probably make bank, and then I'd never have to write another issue of The Quibbler again!"

"NO!" screamed Ginny, panicked. Then, more calmly, she added, "I mean, you could make an attraction out of it. Charge admission. You'd make a lot more money like that than just selling him."

"Art, my man, your daughter's a natural businesswoman. I shall set up signs and a business plan at once! There's a commission for anyone who helps."

"How much, Xenni?" inquired Arthur.

"Trust me," lied Xenophilius.

Xenophilius, Arthur, and Molly all went inside to start preparing a plan of action. The Weasleys had been well below the wizarding poverty line for years, and were excited at the prospect of escaping into wealth. Xenophilius was excited at the prospect of surprising his daughter with a brand new bedroom remodel when she got home from camp. Ginny, however, wasn't interested in the money, so she stayed outside with the animals, sat on her usual stool, and stared deeply and affectionately into Orville's eyes.

"Thank you so much, Emily," said Orville as gratefully as he knew how.

"You're quite welcome. You're the best friend I've got in this barn, you know. But don't just thank me. If it hadn't been for Ginny's quick thinking just now, my hard work would've been for naught." As she said this, she looked Ginny straight in the eye and winked. Ginny was taken aback, but less so than the first time this had happened. She winked back.

"You're right. Thank you, Ginny," Orville squealed.

"You're wel—" Ginny didn't finish. Orville didn't notice what she'd done, but Crookshanks raised an eyebrow, and Emily confirmed what she'd suspected all along.

"Aha! I knew it!" exclaimed Emily.

"Well, I guess the figurative cat is out of the figurative bag," sighed Ginny, phrasing herself carefully so as not to offend Crookshanks.

"You realize this means you'll have to help, now?"

"Yeah, I guess so. But I need to be careful. Nobody knows that I can understand animals except you three."

"Make that 'you four'," said Flynn, as he swooped clumsily into the barn, knocking down Emily's fancy new web in the process. "Now it seems I've missed quite the interesting development. Any other curious news while I was gone?"

"Oh, Flynn, I worked for hours on that web," said Emily, now annoyed. "It said 'ORVILLE HOORAY!' in the best letters I could muster. It was going to save his life!"

"Oh no!" shouted Orville, now scared. "Without that web, they'll chop me up for sure!"

"Calm yourself. I'll make a new one. It'll be even better, and I just know they won't make porkchops out of you."

"Oh, thank you," said Orville.

"I guess I'll go inside and help Mum and Dad and Mr. Lovegood," said Ginny. "If we want this to work, they've gotta be making money." She then departed, smiling. This was definitely going to work out well without any complications.


	11. The Save Orville Committee

It had been a week. Emily had rebuilt her web multiple times in that week. Flynn was just finally getting used to it being there and learning to avoid it. In this time, plenty of people had been by to see the amazing web. Even Hermione was allowed out to see it. Alas, there weren't exactly a ton of people living around there, and not many people were going to waste a portkey on some silly web.

As the crowds started to die down, Emily started to begin to worry. If these people stopped showing up, Orville wouldn't have a use anymore. And let's face it, there might've been an element of pride in there too. She enjoyed other people seeing her work, even if she'd never admit that was a factor. So she decided to form a committee.

"Orville," she shouted. She shouldn't have called his name first.

"What is it?" he responded.

"No, I'm taking roll. You're supposed to say 'here'."

"But I'm not there, I'm right here," said Orville.

"Close enough. Crookshanks?"

"Present-esent-esent," said the half-cat-half-kneazle.

"Flynn?"

"I do say, I am indeed here," he replied.

"Ginny?"

"Here," she mumbled. "I brought donuts, in case anybody wants donuts." In a temporary lapse in judgment, she had utterly forgotten she was dealing with farm animals.

"Scabbers?" There was no response. "Scabbers, are you around?"

Orville looked every direction in search of Scabbers. He even looked up. "I don't seem him," he said.

"Flynn, did you remember to tell Scabbers about the meeting?"

"Yes, I did. As I recall, when I asked him to be here, he responded with a good, hearty, 'fuck off, mate'."

"Well, then, I suppose we shall have to start without him," said Emily. "Now as you all know, we have formed this committee to devise a strategy to retain our existing audience and increase appeal to a wider demographic. I'm going to go ahead and open up the floor right away. Does anybody have any suggestions as to how we can achieve this goal?"

"Do you suppose price might be a factor?" asked Flynn.

"It might, but we have no control over that."

"What we need," said Crookshanks, "Is content that's fresh, and that everyone can understand-and-and. Why not try a new word?"

"You mean," said Orville, "that you can write other words?"

"Of course," replied Emily. "I can write all kinds of words. Anything your imagination can think of, if I know how to spell it."

"I can help with that," said Ginny. "They don't teach spelling at Hogwarts, but we do have to read a lot of books, so I do know how to spell plenty of words. Especially magic words."

"Like what?" asked Emily.

"Like expelliarmus and sectumsempra," replied Ginny with an enormous grin on her face.

"Expelliarmus is a great word," said Crookshanks. "I hear wizards say it all the time, I'm sure it will carry great meaning for them."

Just then, Scabbers came in. He'd forgotten about the meeting, but as he arrived he thought it safest to pretend he was simply running late, and maybe even be genuinely helpful. He didn't want to incur Emily's wrath.

"Expelliarmus is a disarming charm. It hardly says anything special about the cowpig," he said.

"Hmm, you may have a point," said Emily. "Maybe it would help if we thought of words that described him."

"Fat!" shouted Crookshanks.

"Slow-witted!" shouted Flynn.

"Dumbass!" shouted Scabbers.

"Cowpig!" shouted Ginny.

"I'm hungry!" shouted Orville.

"They need to be positive things," sighed Emily. "He may be hungry, and he's definitely a cowpig, but those words won't bring in new visitors. Try to think of words that you really like, the most fabulous words you know, words that stimulate the imagination."

"Rat casserole!" shouted Crookshanks.

"Fuck you, Crooky!" shouted Scabbers.

"Books!" shouted Flynn.

"Imperius!" shouted Ginny.

"Fabulous!" shouted Orville.

"No, no, no, those won't do at—hold on. Orville, what was that last one?" Emily thought he might be onto something.

"You said to think of the most fabulous words we know. I can't think of a single word more fabulous than fabulous itself."

"That will do fine," cheered Emily. "Fabulous is indeed a fabulous word. But does anybody know how to spell it?"

"I do believe," began Crookshanks, "It is spelled F, A, double B, double-U, L, E, S, double S, triple S, T."

"That's all wrong," said Ginny. "It's F, A, B, U, L, I, S, S. It was written on a card I got from Hagrid on my last birthday."

"Fabulous it is, then," said Emily. "I shall begin as soon as the meeting is over. As our next order of business, we need to streamline the word-selection. Scabbers, this task falls to you."

"Like hell it does," replied the rat. "Why should I have to think of words for your silly little project?"

"If you'd rather not think of them, you can just bring us words," said Emily. "I'm sure you can find words written on all kinds of things, and you won't have to think about them at all."

"Get the owl to do it, he carries words around all day anyway."

"I have plenty of books at home," said Ginny. "I don't mind bringing a few of them over that we can look through for ideas."

"No," said Emily sternly. "This is Scabbers' task. It is his punishment for arriving late. If he does a good enough job, he might not have to do it again. If he does a bad enough job, I might have to eat him."

"And if I don't do it at all?"

"Then I shall definitely have to eat you."

"Then I guess that's that," said Scabbers. "I can't say I'm in any big hurry to become acromantula food. I'll have something by the next meeting."

"You'll have something by lunchtime tomorrow," corrected Emily.

"Oh, please find me a good one," said Orville enthusiastically. "I can't wait to see what kind words you have for me."

"Three words: Fuck off, mate," responded Scabbers. And then they adjourned.


	12. Orville Is Fabulous

Emily could spin a web any size. Usually, she used her webs to catch nargles, just like flies. But today, she was making art. Even bigger, more profound art than before. She was writing the word FABULISS as fabulously as she possibly could. Her letters were fancy, perfectly spaced, and quite sticky. This would surely entice the imagination of even the most arrogant, pretentious connoisseur.

With a swing to the left, and a swing to the right, some fancy footwork, and a good deal of motivation, she eventually finished her web. It was big and beautiful and reminded her of the word it spelled. She had spelled it wrong, but that was of no great importance. She didn't know it was wrong, and frankly, the wizarding world as a whole was not good at spelling, as it was not taught at any of the world's top wizarding schools. Almost nobody would notice it was wrong, even fewer people would know the correct spelling, and fewer still would care. Emily deserved a break, so she decided to take an evening nap until the humans woke up to see it.

Several hours later, the sun came up, and with it awoke Farmer Xenophilius Lovegood, and his daughter Luna who had arrived back from summer camp overnight. She hadn't see the webs yet, and her dad didn't even realize she'd gotten home. They both walked down the stairs from their respective bedrooms, and bumped into each other at the bottom.

"Oh my," said Xenophilius. "When did you get back?"

"I just got back last night," answered Luna. "I came in through the fireplace using some Floo powder."

"Darling, you know I can't afford to be replacing Floo powder all willy-nilly like that."

"It's quite alright, I earned some money at camp and bought it for myself to pay for the trip back. I thought I'd save you the effort of coming to get me."

"I appreciate that, Luna, Dear. Oh, I almost forgot. Have you seen the web yet?"

"Web? What web?"

"Hmm, I suppose you've missed quite a bit. While you were gone, I bought a cowpig, and lately, there's been a web above the barn that says 'Orville Hooray!' on it to explain exactly why Orville is great."

"Wow, that must've been quite the spider that made it."

"What? No, Orville is the cowpig's name. Why does everyone keep talking about the spider?"

"Have you written an article in The Quibbler about it? It would fit quite well with the rest of your stories in the next issue."

"Of course I have," he lied. Obvious though it should've been, he hadn't actually thought of this idea. "As soon as the next issue publishes, people across England will be coming to see the miracle."

"Can I see it?"

"Yes, dear. I'll show you, follow me."

The two went out toward the barn, and Xenophilius was shocked to see that the web he had expected was up no more. In its place was a newer, fancier web, one that said "FABULISS" instead of "ORVILLE HOORAY!"

"It's even better than you described it," oohed Luna. "In fact, it's absolutely fabulous!"

"That's because it's for a very fabulous cowpig," Xenophilius responded. "Every day, from three to seven p.m., I take admissions for the general public to gawk and grovel and stare at the amazing web and the even amazinger cowpig. I've been doing this most of the time you've been gone."

"It's a shame it's spelled wrong," said Luna.

"Yes, it is. As a professional magazine editor, I am trained to know these things. Luckily, I don't think it will be a problem for most of my readers."

Together, the two of them went back inside. Luna to have breakfast, and her father to write the article he said he'd already written. As they went in, Scabbers was arriving back with some words he'd torn off of some trash around the house. He didn't want to come close to the noon deadline he'd been given, he really was terrified of Emily.

"Oi, Emily. I've got your words."

He started to leave.

"Not so fast, Scabbers," said Emily. "I shall have to check these words to see if they're any good before you can leave. You only get out of this if they're good, remember."

"Ah, right," replied Scabbers sarcastically. "Well let's take a look then."

He grabbed the first bit of trash from his pile and showed it to Emily. It was actually several words.

"Cowpig casserole mix, feeds four," Emily read aloud.

"I thought it might work because it was about cowpigs," said Scabbers.

"You moron, this is exactly the opposite of the message we're trying to send here. We want them to think Orville is perfect to love, not to eat."

"I don't care either way."

"Well you had better."

"Alright, alright," he groaned, handing her the second piece of trash. This one was hand-written, and though Emily did not know it, had been taken from the Weasley's house over the hill. It said "right git".

"Are you even trying?" asked Emily, starting to get even more annoyed.

"Hey, now, don't shoot the messenger," said Scabbers.

"You had one job," said Emily. "And you have failed at it as miserably as possible. Prepare yourself for the afterlife."

"Hold on! I've got one more! This one should work, I really tried my best."

"Then let's see it! Hurry, now!"

Scabbers showed Emily his last piece of trash. This one was a bit of plastic, mostly clear, with a blue band. In that blue band were white letters that said, "athletic socks."

"You think people will want to see a cowpig compared to socks?" boomed Emily. She was furious now.

"Of course not," said Scabbers. "I think people will want to see a cowpig doing tricks. He's athletic!"

Emily stopped to consider this for a moment. Maybe Scabbers did have a point. But she'd never seen Orville doing any tricks.

"Oh, Orville," she called, waking him up. He was sleeping upside-down, so he attempted to look up toward her, and accidentally looked straight at the ground. Realizing his mistake, he eventually flipped over.

"Yes, Emily?"

"Can you do any tricks?"

"I can fart real loud."

"That won't do," said Emily. "We need something more active. Scabbers found the word Athletic, and we need to see if it suits you."

"Oh, I can be athletic. Watch this!"

Orville jumped into the air, and fell on his butt. He stood up, jumped again, and landed on his feet. Then he dashed around in a circle, accidentally headbutted the side of his box, fell over again, and gave it one last go. This time, he did a backflip. Now, a backflipping cowpig was certain to bring in visitors.

"That's wonderful," said Emily cheerfully. "That one will work for sure. I'll stick with the word Fabulous a few more days, I want to get as much use out of it as I can, but we'll definitely use Athletic next. When people come to see you, make sure to do lots of backflips so they know how athletic and special you are."

Orville heard a shout from outside the barn. He looked, and there was Lovegood, holding a dish full of cowpig food. Orville was happy.


	13. Anxious Orville

A few days had passed since the word Athletic was decided on. In anticipation of the new word, Orville had been practicing. He was doing frontflips and backflips and loop-de-loops and any other exercise he could think of. When he got his new word, he intended to deserve it. Of course, Emily was going to make FABULISS last as long as possible. After all, what good would it do to replace a word that people were still coming to see? It made more sense to wait until the crowds started to die down.

Sure enough, about a week later, they started to dwindle. This had been expected, and was precisely the reason they'd queued up another word. And so, Emily put up that new word. To go with it, Orville started showing his tricks publicly, in front of his ever-growing barnyard audience of wizards from around the area. Not as many people came after the Quibbler story as they'd all hoped, but this surprised nobody except Xenophilius.

One afternoon, just a day after the new word went up, Ginny came by, the most excited anyone had ever seen her.

"Guess what, everyone!" she shouted.

"I'm getting an extra meal today?" guessed Orville. Nobody else guessed anything.

"Nope, even better!" exclaimed Ginny. "The wizard's fair is coming up in Diagon Alley in just a week, and I heard Mr. Lovegood say he was going to display you there, and maybe even enter you into the animal contest!"

"Wow," said Orville. "That sounds like fun! But what is it?"

"A fair," began Crookshanks, "is an event in which human witches and wizards all get together, make a lot of noise-noise-noise, have contests for any stupid thing they can think of, and eat too much. Rather unpleasant, I say-say-say."

"Eat too much? What do you mean?" asked Orville.

"Humans aren't like cowpigs," said Emily. "It isn't healthy for them to eat as much as they can fit. They need to stay trim to do yard work and attract a mate."

"Ooooh. I get it," lied Orville. "What kinds of contests do they have?"

"Anything you can think of!" interjected Ginny excitedly. "They have contests for who can grow the biggest cranberry, who can hard boil the tastiest egg, who can eat the most Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans, who can grow the biggest blueberry, who can raise the best farm animal, who can shoot the most accurate fireball out of their wand, who can grow the biggest strawberry, and even who can blow the loudest raspberry."

"Oh, wow!" shouted Orville. "Maybe I can win some of those. Do they have one for the highest backflip? I can go almost six inches!"

Ginny pulled the programme out of her back pocket and skimmed through it. "Hmm… throw the highest acorn, raise the highest barn, flip the highest bird… Nope, nothing in here about backflips."

"Aww, and I've gotten so good at those, too."

"It's probably because too many wizards cheat and use levitation spells to make their backflips higher. I heard one wizard even once did a backflip so high, with magic of course, that he accidentally left the atmosphere and died forever."

"Oh, that happened to a cousin of mine once," said Emily. "He didn't use a spell. But he strung up some silk and used it to float like a balloon. It brought him too high and he never came back down."

"Oh, that's so sad," said Orville.

"Not really, he deserved," responded Emily. "He cheated on his girlfriend, my cousin on the other side."

"Hey, Emily," began Orville. "Are you going to come to the fair with us to cheer me on?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't. I have things to do here at home in the barn that won't allow me to go with you."

"But how am I to be crowned the best cowpig if there aren't words above me? Everyone knows that's what makes me special."

"I'm sure you'll find a way all on your own," said Emily, patiently. "But I really don't think I shall be able to go. I have to stay home and make eggs that babies will come out of."

"What kind of babies?"

"Acromantula babies, of course."

"Ohhh. Kinda like you, except smaller?"

"Yes. That is what babies are."

"Well it's kinda gross that you have to make them. That's what Scabbers says."

"Orville," said Flynn as he swooped into the barn, carefully avoiding Emily's web. "I need you to promise me something.

"What's that, Flynn?"

"Promise me that you will never heed anything that Scabbers says. That rat is warped, selfish, and all around a poor influence. Worse, he's only marginally less stupid than you. If you were to learn from him, the world would be stuck with an even stupider Scabbers, and I don't think anyone wants that. Even you don't want it, trust me. Capisce?"

"You've got it," said Orville. "Emily, pleeeeeeaaase can you go to the fair with me?"

"I can't help when I have to lay eggs," said Emily. "But I'll tell you what. When the time comes, if I can possibly go with you, then I will. I can't make any guarantee, but I will certainly try my best."

"Oh, Emily. That's the most wonderful thing you've said to me just now. I will repay you, however I can."

"You can repay me by winning that contest and not dying. I don't want all my hard work to be for naught."

"Oh Ginny!" shouted a voice from over the hill, near the Weasleys' house. "What are you doing at that stupid farm again? Are you playing with that cowpig? I thought I was your boyfriend." It was Harry.

"Guys, I gotta go," said Ginny. "I don't want to make Harry mad. I don't like how he acts when he's mad. He's scary."

And so Ginny left, and went home, where her family was waiting with dinner. About the same time, Xenophilius came out, holding a dish full of cowpig food. Orville was happy.


	14. Orville Goes for a Ride

This was it. The big day. It was finally fair day. When Orville woke up, he was excited. He was also nervous. He threw up a little bit in the back of his mouth, and swallowed it again.

Xenophilius Lovegood came around to the barn, and Orville looked expectantly, hoping to see a heaping helping of food. That small regurgitation hadn't been particularly filling, and he was absolutely ready for breakfast. But something was different this time. There was no food. Just the farmer. Orville gave a bit of a moo-snort.

"Orville!" shouted Xenophilius. "If you're to be ready for the big show at the fair, we've gotta give you a bath."

Orville panicked. He'd never had a bath before. He didn't know what it was, but it sounded absolutely dreadful. He started jumping and dashing and spinning in circles, and made himself quite dizzy and confused. He hurt himself in his confusion, bumping face-first into one of the invisible walls surrounding him. Xenophilius could tell Orville was upset.

"Nothing to worry about, cowpig," said Xenophilius calmingly. "My boy, cleanliness is what all true show cowpigs strive for."

Emily encouraged Orville from above. "He's telling the truth. If you're going to be the best cowpig at the fair, you simply must be clean when you get there. The judges won't vote for a dirty animal."

"What's a judge?" asked Orville.

"A judge is someone who will judge the contest."

"Oh, okay."

Xenophilius didn't hear the conversation because he couldn't understand animals, but he did see that Orville was more relaxed. He took this opportunity to unlock Orville's magic invisi-pen, and then carried Orville a ways away from the barn to a nearby pond. Already there were two buckets, one filled with buttermilk and the other with food. Orville hopped out of the farmer's arms and dashed straight for the food, but was stopped by a sneaky invisible wall that had been set around the slop dish.

"Patience, Orville, patience. Today, breakfast will be a reward for taking your bath," said Lovegood, even knowing full well that Orville couldn't understand him, and not having the slightest inkling that actually Orville could understand every word he said. "Don't make this difficult, and you'll get to eat."

Just then, Molly, Ginny, and Harry appeared right next to the two of them. Nobody had seen them arrive; they were just there all of a sudden, like magic. In fact, it was magic. They apparated there.

"Phew," said Harry. "That bugger doesn't just look dirty, he smells dirty. He may not be a mudblood like Hermione, but he's certainly a mud-skin."

Molly almost scolded Harry for his language, but when she realized he was referring to Hermione she decided not to. After what Hermione had done to get herself grounded, an insult like this was nothing compared to what she deserved.

"That's why I'm going to clean him, of course," replied Xenophilius.

"Yeah, but if he's so filthy, why didn't you clean him sooner?" questioned Harry.

"Oh my gosh, Harry! You can't just ask someone why they haven't cleaned a cowpig!" Ginny shrieked. "Don't you have any manners at all!?"

Harry took a step toward Ginny and glared. Ginny backed off, suppressing a whimper. Harry tossed a couple of knuts at Orville.

"Go buy yourself a shower," he taunted. "And keep the change, ya filthy animal."

"Upsie-daisy," said Xenophilius as he picked up Orville and set him down next to the bucket of buttermilk. "Alright, ya little bugger, let's get you clean."

He reached arm-deep into the buttermilk and pulled out a soft sponge. Orville had never seen a sponge before, so he looked curiously at it, wondering what was going to happen next. The farmer then started moving the sponge across Orville, slowly and carefully, smoothly and sensuously, with just the right amount of pressure, being careful not to miss a single spot. It was like a massage, and Orville thought it was heavenly. But after a little while, maybe five or ten minutes I guess, it was over, and Orville was disappointed.

"Alright, cowpig, it's rinsin' time," said Xenophilius. "Hop on into the pond there." He motioned toward the pond so that even animals that didn't understand speech would know what he meant.

Orville knew what he meant, and hopped on into the pond. This was his first time playing in a pond, and he found it quite fun, but then he remembered he hadn't eaten, so he hopped right back on out and stared longingly at his food dish. The farmer remembered that he'd promised breakfast as a reward, and broke his wall spell so that Orville could eat. The moment Orville finished, they all apparated back to the barn, where Arthur was waiting.

"I've got that crate you asked for, Xenni," said Arthur.

"Perfect," replied Xenophilius. "Let's get him loaded right away."

"I'll do it," volunteered Ginny. "Y'all can go finish with the rest of the preparations."

"That's my girl," said Molly, proud to see that Ginny wasn't a lazy git like the twins. The adults all went inside, leaving Ginny and the animals alone.

Emily looked at the crate from her spot in the top right corner of the barn. There was a big hand-painted sign on the side that said "Lovegood's Fabuliss Cowpig" in sloppy red letters.

"I'll miss you all while I'm gone," said Orville. He thought for a moment. "Actually, I'll just miss Emily. The rest of you are really mean to me."

"Would you just hurry up and fuck off, mate?" shouted Scabbers from nearby.

"Hush, rat. You're coming with us," said Emily sternly.

"Us?" queried Orville. "You mean you're coming too?"

"Yes," sighed Emily. "I suppose I am. I didn't think I'd be able to, and I might regret it, but…"

"But what?" asked Orville excitedly.

"Well, you're boned without me."

"I see," lied Orville. "Well thank you. It really means a lot to me!"

"To me as well," said Ginny. "But we really need to hurry up and get you all packed into the crate."

"Nuh-uh," said Scabbers. "I don't know where you got this ridiculous idea that I'm going with you, because I absolutely choose not to, and you can't make me." He began to scamper off.

Emily lowered herself to Scabbers and gave her most intimidating look. "I never said you had a choice," she said.

"Scabbers, do you have any idea just how much of a fucking-ucking-ucking moron you are?" asked Crookshanks. "It's a fair! They'll have all kinds of great things for you to steal, and all kinds of great trash for you to eat. A fair is a veritable buffet of everything a rat like you could possibly desire. You could eat like a king, for once."

"You had me at 'things to steal'," said Scabbers. "Okay, I'll go."

Together, they all packed into the crate. First went Emily, to hide in the back where nobody could see her, then Scabbers stepped in and hid in the back where nobody could see him, and finally Orville got in front so nobody could see the other two. It was the most Tetrisy moment of Orville's life. As soon as Ginny finished locking shut the crate, Xenophilius came back out, along with Arthur and Molly. To Ginny's relief, Harry was nowhere to be seen.

"Alrighty, let's get going!" exclaimed Arthur.

Just then, Harry drove up in an enchanted, flying, light blue Ford Angelia 105E Deluxe, which he'd fetched at Arthur's request. Ron, Percy, and the twins were already inside the car, ready to go. Hermione was still locked in her bedroom at the Weasley house to think about what she'd done. Ginny cringed at the sight of Harry, but got in the car anyway, setting the crate on her lap as she buckled her seatbelt. Everyone else followed, and together they all flew off toward Diagon Alley.


	15. Orville Arrives

Since the Weasleys and the Lovegoods lived out in the middle of fucking nowhere, the trip to Diagon Alley took much longer than it would have if they'd apparated or taken the chimney, like smarter wizards would've done. But they did get there. Right at the end of Diagon Alley was a large clearing. In this clearing were tents, booths, farm animals, games, prizes, enchanted rides, and all sorts of other stuff that you would probably see at a wizard's fair. There wasn't a parking lot, because wizards didn't generally drive, so Harry just parked wherever.

"Alley oop," declared Xenophilus as they landed. They kept their hands and feet inside the car until it came to a complete stop, and then unbuckled their seatbelts to get out of the car.

Arthur glanced around until he saw someone who looked vaguely official. "Excuse me sir," he began. "Can you tell me where the cowpig contest is going to be held? My friend here has a cowpig to enter. It's gonna be the ultimate champion winner of victory."

"Right here at the fair," said the helpful stranger. "You've come to the right place."

"Yes, but where at the fair?" questioned Arthur.

Another stranger cleared his throat. This one was wearing a nametag and a hat that said "Wizard's Fair" on it. "It's dangerous to go alone," he said. "Take these maps. They're sure to help you on your journey."

"Thank you, kind sir," said Molly. "Artie, say thank you."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Artie?" he asked.

Arthur started to blush. "Honey, I told you that name is just for the bedroom," he whined.

"Oh, shit, I'm sorry," responded Molly, concerned she might've embarrassed her husband with her grievous mistake. "It won't happen again."

Ginny was shocked. She couldn't believe her parents were using such intimate language so openly in public. She tried not to think about it as she accepted one of the maps that the fair employee was handing out.

"Look at this," she exclaimed. "It's got a giant red X with the words 'Cowpig Contest' on it, and an arrow that says where we are!"

"Yup," said the official. "This map'll tell ya where you are and where you're going. It doesn't work anywhere but the fair, though, and it can't tell you where other people are, just places and events."

"Some map," scoffed Harry. "The Maurader's Map can tell you where people are anywhere in Hogwarts. This is a worthless piece of junk."

Percy glared at Harry. "If the Maurader's Map is so good, then why couldn't it find the contest?"

"How dare you!" Harry screamed. "My father used the Marauder's Map when he was at Hogwarts! You have no right to criticize him. You didn't know him! Fuck you, you little bitch!" He swung a fist at Percy, but missed because Percy stepped back.

"Forty points from Gryffindor," said Percy, who had the right to do that because he was a house prefect. Harry pulled out his wand.

"Avada—" Harry began, but Fred and George sneaked up behind him and poured sleeping potion on him. This caused Harry to fall asleep and prevented him from finishing the killing curse. As it happens, unforgivable curses are completely forgivable if you fall asleep before you finish saying them.

Everyone was relieved, so they just left Harry there while the rest of the group went to the area where the cowpig contest was being held. Emily and Scabbers didn't like being shaken around in Orville's crate, but it was the price they had to pay, Emily for her friend, and Scabbers for the opportunity to steal trash. When they got there, everyone except for Ginny and Xenophilius dispersed. There was a row of pens, some with cowpigs in them, some empty. At least three of the cowpigs were already dead from neglect; they didn't stand a chance of winning the contest. Farmer Lovegood set Orville's crate down in an open pen, unlocked the crate, and shut the pen.

"I've got to go fill out some paperwork," he announced triumphantly. "Ginny, would you mind keeping an eye on the cowpig for me?"

He walked away before she could answer, but that was okay because she would have said yes anyway.

"It's okay. He's gone now," whispered Ginny toward the crate. The three animals took this as their cue to step out, Emily and Scabbers making sure not to draw too much attention to themselves as they did so. The three of them were all relieved to be out of the crate, because Orville had farted in there and it was starting to smell.

"Scabbers, I'm going to need you to go ahead and find another word for me," Emily ordered. "Yeah, if you could do that for me, that'd be terrific."

"Do it yourself, whore," responded Scabbers.

"We've been over this, before, rat," replied Emily. "If you don't do what I say, I have the power and the drive to make the rest of your short, miserable life a living Gehenna. Is that really what you want?"

"Short? I've got plenty of years left on me."

"Not right now, you don't. Not if you don't do what I say."

Scabbers sighed. He knew she was serious, and he knew it wasn't worth it to get on her bad side. "Fine," he conceded, barely audible as he scampered off.

"Do you think he'll really get something?" asked Ginny.

"He will if he knows what's good for him," answered Emily. "In the meantime, I'll start building the foundation for my new web, so that I can immediately get to the word as soon as he gets back. Orville, why don't you start mingling with the other contestants? It'll look suspicious if you don't."

Orville looked at the adjacent pens. To his right was a dead cowpig. Orville was sad that they could never be friends, but then he remembered that winning was better than friendship. To his left was a big cowpig, the biggest in the whole place. It was also quite filthy.

"Hiya! I'm Orville!"

"Great," said the other cowpig. "My name is Mud."

"Really!?" exclaimed Orville.

"Yeah, really. My human, Vincent Crabbe, thought it was the funniest thing in the world. I didn't, but whatever."

"Oh, I'm so sorry."

"I don't need your pity, Orville," scowled Mud. "By this time tomorrow, I'm gonna have the biggest, bluest ribbon in the barn for bein' the biggest, bitchin'est cowpig. I don't need good feelin's from a runt like you."

"I may be a runt," began Orville, "but I'm fabulous. The crate even says so!"

Mud glanced at the crate and saw the sign on the side. "Uh huh, sure. Last I heard, this contest was judged on the merit of the cowpig, not on some silly little sign next to 'im. But you keep thinkin' what you wanna. I ain't gonna stop you; I've got better stuff to worry about."

"Like what?" Orville asked.

Mud turned around without responding and walked to the other end of his pen.

"Rude," scoffed Emily. "Don't worry about that. I'm sure you'll do great."

Scabbers returned, carrying in his mouth a torn piece of paper.

"What's that?" asked Orville.

"It's your word," answered Scabbers. "That idiot Lovegood was handing out flyers throughout the fair, asking people to vote for The Quibbler as 'Publication of the Year,' like he can possibly beat the Daily Prophet. But that voting thing sounded good, so I brought the word 'VOTE'."

"That'll do, rat," said Emily. "That'll do quite nicely. You've chosen a good one."

"Does this mean I can finally fuck off and have some fun?"

"Yes," sighed Emily, rolling her eyes. "Go have some fun while I work on this web."

Ginny, who had been watching the whole time, glanced toward her wristwatch.

"Oh no," she shouted at nobody in particular. "I need to meet back up with everyone else or they'll go home without me! Bye, Orville! Bye, Emily!"

"Bye, Ginny," they both said.

Ginny left, Orville fell asleep, and Emily worked on her web. It was going to be a long night for her.


	16. Orville Is a Loser

When morning came, Orville awoke to find Ginny back at the fair, having previously gone home for the night. He looked up, something he'd finally gotten pretty good at, and saw Emily fast asleep. Next to her on the other side was a large web with the word "VOTE" on it in enormous letters that glimmered in the dew. Next to her on the other side was something that looked like a ball.

"That's strange," said Orville aloud. "I didn't know Emily was into sports."

"Sports?" asked Ginny, a perplexed expression leaping valiantly from one side of her face to the other. "What are you talking about?"

"Just look!" Orville exclaimed loudly. "She's got a ball right there to play with. Do you know if she's on any teams?"

"Well…" began Ginny. "I suppose with her webs, she'd make a pretty good seeker. But I don't think that's what that is."

"Then what is it?" shrieked Orville, quite loudly now. "Do tell me!"

All the noise woke Emily up. She was groggy, but stayed patient because she didn't hate Orville the way she hated Scabbers.

"Orville, sweetie," said Emily calmly, "That's an egg sac. After I finished making this last web, I stayed up all night laying as many eggs as I could until I was too tired to keep going. It was quite exhausting."

Orville recalled what Crookshanks had said about Kneazles not laying eggs, and figured that it must not be natural, but he didn't say anything because it would be rude.

Ginny looked around to see if there were any other acromantulas around. When she couldn't find any, a puzzled look swept over her face like a large bird sweeping over the ocean to catch its prey. "Who's the father?" she queried.

Emily scowled. "The less said about that low-life, the better." Ginny knew when to leave well enough alone, and did not question further about the eggs, but Orville was still curious.

"How many eggs is that?" he asked.

"I haven't counted them all," Emily replied, "but it's a lot."

"Is it more than nine thousand?" asked Orville.

"What? Nine thousand?" exclaimed Emily. "No, I should say not. "Probably closer to a hundred or so. That's about how big an acromantula litter usually is."

Just then, Scabbers arrived. He had a stupid smug grin on his face that would make you want to punch him. Really, the only person who liked him was Ron, and nobody knew why.

"Hey, all," he said. "Guess who just spent all night eating to his heart's desire. I'll give you a hint: It wasn't you."

"We'll just see about that," muttered Emily, a devious grin crawling sneakily across her face.

"What was that? Speak up," replied Scabbers.

Emily debated whether to reveal her thoughts to Scabbers, but eventually decided against it. "Oh, nothing," she finally said. "If you were having so much fun, why'd you come back here?"

"Duh," began Scabbers. "This wizard's fair won't last forever, and I wanted to secure my ride home before it's too late. If that crate leaves diagon alley and I'm not on it—"

"Yeah, yeah, you'll regret it," sighed Emily. "Whatever. With the attitude you've had, I think you'll come to regret whatever you decide."

Suddenly, Ginny hopped, remembering why they'd come to the fair in the first place. "Scabbers!" she shouted. "Have you seen the word Emily wrote for Orville?"

"Yeah, take a look!" Orville said. "It's a really good one."

"Of course it is," answered Scabbers. "I'm the one who brought it to her in the first place. It says vote, so that the judges will know to vote for your cowpig instead of that better one next to him."

Emily glared at Scabbers, but turned to look when, as if by movie magic, a panel of three judges showed up just in time to continue the scene. They took seats at a desk that they'd apparated across from the row of cowpigs.

At the first seat was a tall, gangly looking man with graying hair. In front of him was a nameplate that said "Jones". Sitting in the middle was a shorter, fatter man with a stupid suit that didn't fit right. His nameplate said "Evans". The third judge was Arthur Weasley, filling in for Mr. Williams, who had become deathly ill the night prior and was unable to make it himself. He had a nameplate that said "Williams," but it was covered by a small piece of paper with the name "Weasley" hastily scrawled across it. Mr. Jones cleared his throat.

"May I have your attention, per-lease!" Jones announced. "It is time we begin the judgery of the best cowpig contest! Before we start, we would like to remind you all that death is an instant disqualification."

From her high vantage point, Emily could see all the cowpigs in the contest. The vast majority of them were dead from malnourishment, including several who had been barely alive when the group had arrived the previous day. This left only three cowpigs eligible for the contest: Orville, Mud, and one on the far left end of the row. She couldn't see from so far if that last one had a sign with a name on it, but she could clearly see that if they'd waited another few hours for the judging, then it, too, would have been disqualified.

"To begin—" began Mr. Jones.

"Hold on!" interrupted Mr. Evans. "That spider web says VOTE! I think we should skip the formalities and move straight to the voting."

"I'm not a spider," growled Emily. "I'm an acromantula." But none of the judges even heard her, let alone understood her.

"That sounds like a marvelous idea," chirped Arthur. "I like that big one over there. It's really big, and it looks nice and juicy."

Ginny glared at him.

"I'm getting pretty hungry too," said Mr. Jones. "Yes, I think I'll also vote for the big one."

"Delicious," exclaimed Mr. Evans. "I agree with you two. The fattest cowpig definitely gets my vote."

"Then it's settled," agreed Mr. Jones. "This year's Wizard's Fair winner for best cowpig goes to… uhh…" He looked down at a small chart he had on the desk, to see which cowpig that was. "This year's winner is Mud!"

With that, Jones stepped away from the desk and toward Mud's pen. On the gate, he placed a big blue ribbon that said "Best cowpig."

Arthur rubbed his belly. "Hey, I saw a booth on the way here selling cowpig burgers. Anyone up for a bite?"

"Absolutely," responded Evans. "I'm rich, so it's on me." Arthur was relieved.

The three of them apparated themselves and the desk away from the cowpigs, and Ginny and Emily could only look in shock toward Orville as he cried. Not Scabbers, though. Scabbers was rolling on his back, laughing.

"And what is so funny, you?" asked Emily, now furious.

"I just love the sight of dashed dreams," replied Scabbers. "Don't you?"

"You mean like your dream not to be eaten?" said Emily.

"Wait, what?"

And with that, Emily descended from her web toward Scabbers, lifted him straight off the ground, and gobbled him up.


	17. Orville Wins!

Orville lay in his pen, still crying.

"I'm so sorry, Orville," said Ginny. "You deserved to win, because you wanted it more." She stepped into his pen and put a comforting arm around him. Orville had never been hugged before, so he wasn't quite sure what to make of this, but it felt nice.

"I suppose they did follow the directions on my web," said Emily. "They did vote, alright. They voted for the wrong cowpig. This is all my fault." She began tearing apart her web in frustration.

"Don't be so hard on yourself," responded Ginny calmly. "Scabbers brought you that word. If anyone is to blame, it's him."

"Oh yeah," said Emily. She smiled at the memory of Scabbers, and how he was now just a memory.

"Besides," continued Ginny. "One of the judges was my dad, and even he voted for the wrong one. You certainly can't be responsible just because he's a dumbass."

"I know, I know," Emily sighed, now pacing around on the ceiling. "But if I'd written 'VOTE FOR ORVILLE', things might've gone differently."

Ginny put her hands on her hips. "Stop it," she said sternly. "I will not have you blaming yourself. You did the best you could, and that's that. So stop."

"You're starting to sound like me," came a voice from behind. Ginny turned around to see who it was, and behold, it was her mother. "Now who are you talking to?" Molly asked.

Ginny panicked. Nobody was supposed to know she could understand animals. "Uh… Oh…" she stammered. "I, uh, I was, uh, pretending to talk to that acromantula up there." She pointed toward Emily.

"Pretending?" asked Molly. "I used to talk—to pretend to talk—to animals when I was your age too. Sometimes I still do." She winked.

"You mean—" started Ginny, but before she could finish her thought, Flynn came sweeping in and dropped a letter into Ginny's hand. He had another still in his claws as he flew off.

"Go ahead, dear! Read it!" said Molly.

Ginny opened the letter and began to read it. "Ahem. Would Xenophilius Lovegood, Ginevra Weasley, and all concerned family and friends please report to the main stage? Please make sure to bring your cowpig. Signed, Morgan Davies, fair organizer."

Before anyone could respond, Xenophilius came running up, waving around a letter of his own.

"Hey guys!" he shouted. "Did anyone else get one of these? It says we need to—"

"I know," interrupted Ginny. "I got one too. We've got to—"

"Bring Orville to the main stage!" Xenophilius finished.

The two of them looked at each other, then they looked at Orville, then they looked at each other again, both in shock. Meanwhile, Molly was keeping her cool and opening up Orville's pen so that they could take him to the stage. By the time Xenophilius and Ginny finally collected themselves, Molly and Orville were already walking away.

"Are you two coming or not?" she asked.

"Yes, ma'am," answered Xenophilius.

"Yes, mum," answered Ginny.

"Good," said Molly, and they all took off toward the main stage in the center of the fair, as Mud watched from his own pen next to Orville's, looking dejected as he wondered what could possibly be better than first prize.

When they arrived, they saw the same man who had given them their maps waiting, as well as Harry, Luna, and the rest of the Weasley family. George was bouncing up and down with his legs clenched tightly together, while Fred held his face in his palms. Ginny wondered what was up with that. "Hurry," the man said as he rushed them onto the stage.

He picked up a loudspeaker. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said. "May I have your attention, please! My name is Morgan Davies, and I am the organizer of this fair. I have recently heard about a grave injustice. You see, here at the wizard's fair, we have clear lists of criteria that judges are meant to follow when judging contests. These criteria are different for each contest."

Ginny and Molly knew where he was going with this, and grinned. Xenophilius simply kept listening, confused.

"I have learned that the judges for the cowpig competition," Davies continued, "did not follow these criteria. This contest is not to be judged simply on size, but on cleanliness, special abilities, number of hooves, and fabulousness. The first prize winner was the biggest, but it is clear to see that Orville here is the cleanest. Furthermore, Orville has been well established over the past several weeks by the web above his home barn to be fabulous; this much is known across the wizarding community. As neither cowpig has any special abilities listed on their entry forms, and both have four hooves, this leaves Orville ahead at two categories to Mud's one."

Ginny, Molly, and Xenophilius all cheered. The audience went wild. Arthur looked guilty, Harry laughed, Percy just stood there, and Fred and George pointed their wands in the air and shot off fireworks.

"Unfortunately," added Mr. Davies, eliciting dismay from pretty much everyone, "first prize has already been awarded, and we cannot take it away. So instead, I have come up with an alternative solution."

He flicked his wand, and in his hand appeared a brilliant, bright gray ribbon.

"We have invented a new ribbon, even better than first place. We call it A-th place."

Sure enough, on the ribbon was a giant letter A, in red with just a tinge of orange. Mr. Davies affixed the ribbon to Orville using a special adhesive magic so that it would stick perfectly, but come off painlessly whenever someone used the counter-spell.

"Congratulations, Orville! And to his owner, Xenophilius lovegood, I present a prize of ten galleons. Now everyone, bugger off. I've still got a fair to run for the rest of the day."

There was a loud applause, but it dissipated as the crowd buggered off.

"I'll be taking that," said Harry, holding his hand out to Xenophilius. The farmer got a terrified look in his eyes and quickly handed Harry his winnings. "Good," said Harry.

Ginny was holding back tears of joy. She couldn't believe that Orville had won, even after losing. She just had to go back and tell Emily the good news!

"Mum, Dad," she said. "I'm gonna go take Orville back to his pen."

"Alright, dear," said Molly.

As Ginny and Orville left, George wet himself. "I told you so, mate," said Fred.


	18. Goodbye, Orville

Morning arrived. The fair was over. It was clean-up day. After Ginny had brought Orville back to his pen the previous day, she'd been abruptly made to leave when the Weasley family went home to get George a fresh pair of pants. Mud had already been brought home, and the dead cowpigs in the other pens had been cleaned up. When Orville awoke, it was just him and Emily, alone. She was gazing at Orville, with a look in her eyes that he didn't recognize.

"G'mornin'!" Orville shouted.

"Good morning, Orville," said Emily.

"You look different," said Orville. "Are you feeling okay?"

"I was just thinking about how much I'm going to miss you," answered Emily.

"Miss me? Why's that?"

"Because you're my favorite," replied Emily. "I've never met another like you. You're kind, and hopeful, and full of cheer… That is why I shall miss you. You are my winner, the one I lived my life for. I shan't miss the farmer, and I already don't miss Scabbers, but I will miss you."

"Yeah, but… aren't you coming home with me?" asked Orville, now worried.

"I'm afraid I can't. I'm too old, too tired," said Emily.

"But you're younger than me," argued Orville. "Am I old too?"

"No I'm not," Emily replied. "I was new to the barn when we met, but I was already decades old. Before we met, I wasn't a very nice acromantula. I wanted to change that, so I found a new home, in Lovegood's barn. That's why I warmed up to you. I thought you'd be able to help me become who I wanted to be, and you did."

"But—"

"No buts. I simply cannot. I'll likely not last the week, and I certainly won't last a ride home in that crate."

"What about your eggs?" queried Orville.

"Those will be my living legacy," said Emily. "I would appreciate if you would nurture them for me until they hatch. Give them the gift of kindness, while they're still unborn and susceptible to the influence of those around them."

"I will, Emily," sniffled Orville, one manly tear streaming down his face. "You have my word." It was in this moment, his decision to raise Emily's young to birth, that Orville was no longer a boy, but a man.

"And my help as well, however I can," said Ginny, who'd just walked up to the pen.

"Thank you," said Emily. "You don't know how much that means to me."

"For starters," Ginny said, "I think I can help get that egg sac down. Orville can hardly watch over it if it gets left here at the fair."

Orville looked up. Sure enough, the egg sac was still sitting in the rafters next to Emily. There was no way he was going to be able to get it down on his own. They were both lucky to have a friend like Ginny who was human and could do these things for them. Emily considered that if she hadn't eaten Scabbers, he might be able to help, but she didn't regret that decision.

Ginny pulled the egg sac down, and placed it carefully in the back of Orville's crate. "You need to be very careful with this," she said. "The ride home will be a bumpy one, especially if Harry drives again, and it's important that none of the eggs in that sac break on the way there. Do you think you can handle it?"

"Absolutely I do," said Orville, attempting to salute, and falling over in the process. It isn't a good idea to salute with one of your front legs when you need all four legs just to stand up straight.

Just then, Xenophilius showed up. "Y'all ready to go?" he asked.

"I'm working on it, Mr. Lovegood," answered Ginny, helping Orville into his crate. As he stepped in, she shut and latched it. "Okay, we're good to go."

As they walked away, Orville turned around in the crate and looked through a gap in the wood toward Emily.

"I love you!" shouted Orville.

"I love you too!" shouted Emily, using the last of her energy. After that, she breathed no more. Emily had died, happy and in love, and secure in the knowledge that she'd saved the life of the one she cared about most.

Orville started crying. Ginny very nearly did as well. It took all the emotional strength she had not to, but she really didn't want to risk revealing to Xenophilius that she could understand the animals, so she held it in. She was going to have a very good cry later, when she was on her own. It was hella romantic and stuff.

As they arrived at Arthur's enchanted car, Ginny took one final look around. Gone were the countless wizards and witches that had filled the fair just a day earlier. Gone were the booths and rides and spilled candy. All that remained were workers and presenters, cleaning up after themselves and the fair. Ginny peaked inside the car, and saw Arthur driving. The front passenger seat was empty, and Harry was bound and gagged in the back.

"What the—" began Ginny.

"Don't ask," said Arthur. "I am sick and tired of his shit."

Ginny got nervous. "You're not gonna ground him with Hermione, I hope," she said. "I don't trust those two alone together."

"No, nothing like that," Arthur replied. "Actually, we found out that Hermione never did anything wrong in the first place. It was Harry all along, and he tricked us into thinking it was Hermione's fault."

"Oh," smiled Ginny. "Phew, I was worried for a second."

Ginny and Xenophilius stepped into the car, Xenophilius in the front, and Ginny in the back next to Harry, and closed the doors. They buckled up, and the car flew off. Nearby, a clean-up worker was disassembling the makeshift barn that had stood above the cowpigs.

"Blimey," he said, as he found Emily's remains. "That's a right big acromantula. I wonder how long it's been there."

He swept her into a garbage bin and continued with his work, and that was the last anyone ever saw of Emily Jane Wright.


	19. Orville's Friends

_Author's Note: Happy birthday!_

* * *

Several weeks had passed since the fair. Summer was coming to a close, just like Emily's life had done not too long ago. Orville was again lonely, just as he'd been when he first came to the barn. His best friend was gone forever, Crookshanks and Flynn were as unpleasant as always, and Ginny was visiting much less as she started preparing for the school year. Even Scabbers…

Well, actually he didn't miss Scabbers.

Still, he was lonely. He kinda wondered if his life had even been worth saving, the way it was turning out. His closest friends were a bunch of unhatched eggs. He would talk to them, day and night, telling them stories about their mother. Sometimes he would even sing to them, lullabies at night and sea shanties in the morning. But the eggs never replied. They just sat there in their sac. For all he knew, they couldn't hear a word he said. I mean, they totally could, but he didn't know that for sure. Nonetheless, he stayed with them. It was his last promise to Emily, and he wasn't going to break it.

He eventually got so curious how many eggs there were that he decided it was high time to learn to count. On one of Ginny's increasingly rare visits, he asked her to teach him, and teach him she did. With his newfound knowledge, Orville finally counted them. It took him all day on one of the last days of August, but he managed. There were one hundred forty-four eggs. The thought of that many eggs kinda grossed Orville out, so he tried not to think about it too much.

But then, on the last morning of summer, something incredible happened. The egg sac started wiggling. The eggs came apart from each other, and one by one they hatched. In almost no time at all, there was a flood of acromantulas swarming the barn.

"I did not sign on for this-is-is," said Crookshanks. "Get those ghastly things out of here."

"I quite agree," said Flynn before flying away.

"Oh, be nice, you guys," responded Orville. "These acromantulas are my friends. I'm sure they're all as nice and wonderful as Emily was."

Orville turned to face the acromantulas, but before he could introduce himself, Xenophilius showed up with a fresh batch of cowpig food. He saw his barn absolutely covered with acromantulas, pitch black, so that he couldn't see the walls they were resting on.

"Sweet baby spice!" he shouted as he reached for his wand. "I'm gonna give you acromantulas to the count of ten to get your ugly, black, no-good keisters off my farm before I pump ya full of magic. One… two…"

"No, don't!" shouted Orville, forgetting that Xenophilius couldn't understand cowpigs.

"Ten!" finished the farmer, only to notice that the acromantulas had indeed all scattered off and left. "Looks like I won't be needing this after all."

With that, Xenophilius placed the food in Orville's pen and quietly walked away, proud of himself for having so effectively defended his farm from what he'd perceived as an invading acromantula army.

"Nooooo," cried Orville. "They were going to be my friends!"

"I'll be your friend," squeaked a tiny newborn acromantula crawling out from a small nook in the wall.

"We will too," squeaked two more as they crawled out behind the first.

Orville was overjoyed. "Oh my goodness!" he exclaimed. "I thought you all ran away! Salutatius maximus!"

"Nope, not us!" said the second acromantula. "We remembered how nice you were before we hatched, so we decided to hide instead and be with you once he was gone!"

"That was mighty sweet of you," responded Orville, now happier than ever he'd kept his promise. "Do you guys have names?"

They all shook their heads no.

"That's okay," Orville said. "I shall come up with names for the three of you."

"Me first!" exclaimed the third one.

"Oh, alright," said Orville. "Are you a boy or a girl?"

"I'm a boy acromantula!"

"Hmm… In which case, I think I'll call you Edward Rochester Wright."

"An excellent name!" yelled Edward.

"Do me second," said the second acromantula calmly, trying to hide his excitement. "I'm a boy also."

"Then your name is Heathcliff Wright."

The first acromantula to come out was getting impatient. "I guess I get to be last," she frowned.

"Don't feel down," said Orville in his most consoling tone, which he'd borrowed from his memories of Emily. "You were the first one to greet me, and yet you've been so patient. I'll give you the best name of them all. Are you a boy? Or are you a girl?"

"I'm a girl acromantula with girl acromantula parts," she responded.

"Then your name gets to be Adèle Varens Wright."

"Hey, no fair!" shouted Edward. "I wanna be named Adèle! Let me have that name too!"

"No way," screamed Heathcliff. "You already have a name. You can't have another or else I get another name too!"

"Oh yeah?" replied Edward, raising an acromantula fist to Heathcliff. "Come at me!"

"STOP!" yelled Orville, much louder than the acromantulas could yell. "Everybody has had one name, and one name is enough for anybody. Besides, I think you all have fine names."

"You would," sneered Edward. "You chose them."

This was the first and only time that Orville ever missed Scabbers. This was going to be a long autumn.

As the days and weeks went by, the young acromantula cubs started building webs of their own. They weren't as good at it as Emily had been, but they were a lot younger. They would get there. In the mean time, Orville taught them as best he could how to make words with their webs, as he'd seen Emily do so many times. He had them make words that he remembered, such as "FABULISS" and "ORVILLE HOORAY!", but it just wasn't the same. People didn't want to visit to see words they'd seen before, and Orville didn't feel the joy he'd felt when Emily made words like that for him. He even had them write new things in their webs, like "FUCK YEAH ORVILLE," and "THE BEST COWPIG," but it never filled the hole that Emily's absence left.

But then, one day, early into the next summer, Orville had an idea. It was just a day away from the anniversary of when Emily wrote her first word, and he wanted to celebrate it. He wasn't going to celebrate himself this time. He was going to celebrate Emily. He told the young acromantulas his plan.

"That right there was your mother's favorite spot," he said, pointing his face toward the rafter where he'd seen her most, where she'd been when they first met. "This time, I think we should write a word in honor of her."

"A word?" scoffed Heathcliff, who had spent the past year making words for Orville and was now getting fed up. "What word would that be?"

"Actually," said Orville, "I think it should be three words, one for each of you if you work together. Since that's where Emily liked to stay, I want to tell the world that."

The next day, in the place where Emily had once spent her time, was a large, beautiful web that said "EMILY WAS HERE." It was beautiful, and almost nobody understood what it meant.

The End


End file.
